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Question: In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an aging...

Click on red question marks (?) to see an explanation for each change. Some changes are only suggestions and don't mean the original is necessarily wrong.
In some countries, the average living agelife expectancy of people increase thanhas increased compared to the past. While a group of people presentpresents the view that elderly people are beneficial for society, I agree with those who believe an aging population createdcreates problems for governments. On the one hand, some individuals justifiably argue that elderly people are unable to work. Due to this fact, it is the government whothat should pay for their lifeliving and provide for their basic needs. It is possible throughoutthrough two different ways. If they have insurance, the institution will pay for their expenses. However, if they do not have one, the government should provide them with for their need byneeds through people's taxes, which might have negative consequences onfor youngsters in order due to increasing the amount of tax. A further disadvantage is that the sociaty society turns into an old one. As they are unable to participatedparticipate in breeding, over time, we face a sociaty thatsociety where most people are old. Not only does this situation have adverse effects on the economy of society, but it may also be an endpoint for the generation. On the other hand, another group of individuals presents the view that we are responsible for looking after our oldelderly parents as they did when we were children. They firmly insist that, even if we do not ahave suitable life conditionliving conditions, we should keep them with ourselvesus because they can convey their experiencedexperience and teach us the correct way of living. However, I do not find this reason convincing as we do not have any obligation, and keeping elderly people can bring several financial and mental problems. In addition, they might feel aslike a burden and find their lifelives useless. Despite, the fact that society provides some places for elderly people to live peacfullypeacefully, the capacity of the society in order to having to accommodate the elderly is limited because the government needneeds young people who are active and can make their country successful. In conclusion, while there are some potential advantages associated with an ageingaging population, I believe that substantial drawbacks in terms of providing financial aid and having an old society outweigh its benefits.
This section presents vocabulary suggestions. Highlighted words are either too simple or are repeated more than 3 times . Please note that some suggested alternatives might require changes to other parts of the sentence.
This section presents a professionally wirtten variation of your essay and highlights the differences.
In some countries, the average living age of people increase than past. While a group of people present the view that elderly people are beneficial for society, I agree with those who believe an aging population created problems for governments.
In some countries, the average life expectancy has increased compared to the past. While some individuals argue that elderly people are beneficial to society, I align with those who believe that an aging population creates significant challenges for governments.
On the one hand, some individuals justifiably argue that elderly people are unable to work. Due to this fact, it is the government who should pay for their life and provide their basic needs. It is possible throughout two different ways. If they have insurance, the institution will pay for their expenses. However, if they do not have one, the government should provide them with their need by people's taxes which might have negative consequences on youngsters in order to increasing the amount of tax. A further disadvantage is that the sociaty turns into an old one. As they are unable to participated in breeding, over time, we face a sociaty that most people are old. Not only does this situation have adverse effects on the economy of society, but it may also be an endpoint for the generation.
On one hand, some individuals justifiably argue that elderly people are often unable to work. Consequently, it falls upon the government to support their livelihoods and provide for their basic needs. This can be achieved in two primary ways. If they have insurance, the institution will cover their expenses. However, if they do not have insurance, the government must fulfill their needs through taxpayers' contributions, which could have negative repercussions for younger generations due to increased tax burdens. Furthermore, as society ages, we face the risk of becoming predominantly elderly. Since older individuals are unable to contribute to population growth, we may eventually encounter a society where the majority of the population is elderly. This situation not only has adverse effects on the economy but may also pose challenges for future generations.
On the other hand, another group of individuals presents the view that we are responsible for looking after our old parents as they did when we were children. They firmly insist that, even if we do not a suitable life condition, we should keep them with ourselves because they can convey their experienced and teach us the correct way of living. However, I do not find this reason convincing as we do not have any obligation and keeping elderly people can bring several financial and mental problems. In addition, they might feel as a burden and find their life useless. Despite, the society provides some places for elderly people to live peacfully, the capacity of the society in order to having elderly is limited because the government need young people who are active and make their country successful.
On the other hand, another group of individuals argues that we have a responsibility to care for our elderly parents, just as they cared for us when we were children. They firmly believe that, even if we do not have ideal living conditions, we should keep them with us because they can share their experiences and teach us valuable life lessons. However, I find this reasoning unconvincing, as we are not obligated to care for them in every circumstance, and doing so can lead to various financial and emotional challenges. Additionally, elderly individuals may feel like a burden and perceive their lives as lacking purpose. Although society provides facilities for elderly individuals to live peacefully, the capacity to accommodate them is limited, as governments require a younger, active population to ensure national success.
In conclusion, while there are some potential advantages associated with an ageing population, I believe that substantial drawbacks in terms of providing financial aid and having an old society outweigh its benefits.
In conclusion, while there are some potential advantages associated with an aging population, I believe that the substantial drawbacks in terms of financial support and the challenges of an aging society outweigh the benefits.
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Overall Band Score
5
Overview
Vocabulary Range
average
Linking Words
average
Spelling
weak
Grammar Accuracy
average
Grammar Range
average
Cohesion
average
Paragraph Structure
average
Task Response
strong
Word Count
sufficient
While we are confident in our score estimation, you are not guaranteed to receive the same score in an official test.

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Task Achievement

  • Response to the Prompt: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of an aging population. However, the argument could be more balanced. The essay leans heavily towards the disadvantages without fully exploring the potential benefits.
  • Position: Your position is clear, as you agree with the view that an aging population creates problems for governments. However, it would be beneficial to provide more specific examples or evidence to support your claims.
  • Relevance and Development: The points made are relevant to the prompt, but some ideas could be developed further. For instance, the benefits of having elderly people in society are mentioned but not elaborated upon in detail.

Coherence and Cohesion

  • Organization: The essay is organized into clear paragraphs, each dealing with a specific aspect of the argument. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. Consider using linking words or phrases to improve the flow of the essay.
  • Cohesion: Some sentences could be better connected. For example, the transition from discussing the financial burden to the societal impact could be more seamless.

Lexical Resource

  • Vocabulary: The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are some errors and awkward phrases. For example, "the average living age of people increase than past" should be "the average life expectancy has increased compared to the past."
  • Variety: There is a reasonable range of vocabulary, but some repetition is present. Try to use synonyms or different expressions to avoid repetition.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

  • Grammar: There are several grammatical errors throughout the essay, such as subject-verb agreement issues ("the average living age of people increase") and incorrect word forms ("participated in breeding" should be "participate in reproduction").
  • Sentence Structure: Some sentences are awkwardly constructed or unclear. For example, "Despite, the society provides some places for elderly people to live peacfully" could be rephrased for clarity.
  • Punctuation: Pay attention to punctuation, as some sentences are missing necessary commas, which can affect readability.

Suggestions for Improvement

  1. Balance the Argument: Provide a more balanced view by elaborating on the benefits of an aging population, such as the wisdom and experience they bring to society.
  2. Develop Ideas: Expand on each point with specific examples or evidence to strengthen your argument.
  3. Improve Cohesion: Use linking words and phrases to connect ideas and paragraphs more effectively.
  4. Enhance Vocabulary and Grammar: Work on expanding your vocabulary and correcting grammatical errors to improve clarity and precision in your writing.
  5. Revise for Clarity: Re-read your essay to identify and revise awkward or unclear sentences.

By addressing these areas, your essay will be more coherent, persuasive, and aligned with the IELTS writing criteria.