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Question: Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you t...

Click on red question marks (?) to see an explanation for each change. Some changes are only suggestions and don't mean the original is necessarily wrong.
In the digital age, threrethere is an arising concern about young adults spending several hours daily with mobile phone obssessivelyphones obsessively. In my opinion, there are a couple of reasons contributing to this issue, and my belief is that it is a detrimental trend overall, as it has numerous negative effects on children. With regard to the potential reasons why youth nowadaynowadays are so engaged with technology, specificaly specifically their smart phonessmartphones, I think the most significant reason would be their appealing characteristics. Youngsters regard this technology as a versatile object which they can do whatever they want with. With phones, they are able to do a variety of activities such as play games, contact with friends from all over the world, establish new friendships online, and even exploit itthem for their educational aspects. All of which, thus, make it a completely functinalfunctional and amusing device for people to use. Concernig it'sConcerning its effects, however, I imply that it could negatively harm teenagers in many ways. First and foremost, it restricts the social interactions. Teenagers nowadays doare not eager to socialize with others and enhance their social skills since they are being so involved with the virtual world of social media and feel no intention to make connectionconnections in person, and this is affecting their real interactioninteractions with people. LackThe lack of the ability to connect with others in real life consequently leads them to isolation, which is sovery harmful. Additionally, it also results in less physical activity. Spending too muchmany hours sitting and working with phones leaves no time for teenagers to be physically active, and that leads to several health problems in their future, such as obesity. In conclusion, I think the issue of children involvingengaging with technology is a pressing problem whichthat has devastating impacts upon youth, and there are a number of reasons relating to it, such as the compelling features of technology.
This section presents vocabulary suggestions. Highlighted words are either too simple or are repeated more than 3 times . Please note that some suggested alternatives might require changes to other parts of the sentence.
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In the digital age, threre is an arising concern about young adults spending several hours daily with mobile phone obssessively. In my opinion, there are a couple of reasons contributing to this issue and my belief is that it is a detrimental trend overall as it has numerous negative effects on children.
In the digital age, there is a growing concern about young adults spending several hours daily on their mobile phones obsessively. In my opinion, there are a couple of reasons contributing to this issue, and I believe it is a detrimental trend overall, as it has numerous negative effects on children.
With regard to the potential reasons why youth nowaday are so engaged with technology specificaly their smart phones, I think the most significant reason would be their appealing characteristics. Youngsters regard this technology as a versatile object which they can do whatever they want. With phones they are able to do variety of activities such as play games, contact with friends from all over the world, establish new friendships online and even exploit it for their educational aspects. All of which, thus, make it completely functinal and amusing device for people to use.
With regard to the potential reasons why youth nowadays are so engaged with technology, specifically their smartphones, I think the most significant reason is their appealing characteristics. Youngsters view this technology as a versatile tool that allows them to do whatever they want. With their phones, they can engage in a variety of activities, such as playing games, connecting with friends from all over the world, establishing new friendships online, and even utilizing them for educational purposes. All of these factors make smartphones a completely functional and entertaining device for people to use.
Concernig it's effects,however, I imply that it could negatively harm teenagers in many ways. First and foremost, it restricts the social interactions. Teenagers nowadays do not eager to socialize with others and enhance their social skills since they are being so involved with virtual world of social media and feel no intention to make connection in person and this is affecting their real interaction with people. Lack of the ability to connect with others in real life consequently leads them to isolation which is so harmful. Additionally, it also results in less physical activity. Spending too much hours sitting and working with phones leaves no time for teenagers to be physically active and that leads to several health problems in their future such as obesity.
Concerning its effects, however, I believe that excessive smartphone use can negatively impact teenagers in many ways. First and foremost, it restricts social interactions. Teenagers today are often reluctant to socialize with others and enhance their social skills, as they become increasingly immersed in the virtual world of social media. This lack of intention to connect in person affects their real-life interactions with others. The inability to connect with people face-to-face can lead to isolation, which is extremely harmful. Additionally, excessive screen time results in decreased physical activity. Spending too many hours sitting and using their phones leaves little time for teenagers to engage in physical activities, which can lead to several health problems in the future, such as obesity.
In conclusion, I think the issue of children involving with technology is a pressing problem which has devastating impacts upon youth and there are a number of reasons relating to it such as compelling features of technology.
In conclusion, I believe that the issue of children becoming overly involved with technology is a pressing problem that has devastating impacts on youth. There are several reasons contributing to this trend, such as the compelling features of technology.
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Overall Band Score
6.5
Overview
Vocabulary Range
average
Linking Words
average
Spelling
weak
Grammar Accuracy
average
Grammar Range
average
Cohesion
average
Paragraph Structure
average
Task Response
strong
Word Count
sufficient
While we are confident in our score estimation, you are not guaranteed to receive the same score in an official test.

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Task Achievement

  • Response to the Prompt: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt effectively. It explains why children spend hours on their smartphones and discusses the negative impacts of this behavior.
  • Ideas and Examples: The essay provides clear reasons for the behavior and supports the argument that it is a negative development. However, it could benefit from more specific examples or evidence to strengthen the argument.

Coherence and Cohesion

  • Organization: The essay is well-organized with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph has a clear main idea.
  • Cohesion: Transition words and phrases such as "With regard to," "First and foremost," and "Additionally" are used to connect ideas, but there are some areas where transitions could be smoother. For example, the transition between discussing the reasons and the effects could be more fluid.

Lexical Resource

  • Vocabulary: The essay uses a range of vocabulary related to technology and its effects. Words like "obsessively," "versatile," "exploit," and "isolation" are appropriate and varied.
  • Spelling and Word Choice: There are several spelling errors such as "threre" (there), "obssessively" (obsessively), "specificaly" (specifically), "functinal" (functional), and "Concernig" (Concerning). These errors can detract from the overall impression.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

  • Sentence Structure: The essay demonstrates a variety of sentence structures, which is good. However, some sentences are awkwardly phrased or contain grammatical errors, such as "Youth nowaday are so engaged" (should be "youth nowadays are so engaged").
  • Grammar: There are some grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues ("youth nowaday are"), and incorrect use of possessive pronouns ("it's effects" should be "its effects").

Suggestions for Improvement

  1. Proofreading: Carefully proofread the essay to correct spelling and grammatical errors. This will improve clarity and professionalism.
  2. Examples and Evidence: Incorporate specific examples or studies to support the claims about the negative impacts of smartphone use.
  3. Transitions: Work on smoother transitions between ideas to enhance the flow of the essay.
  4. Complex Sentences: While the essay uses a variety of sentence structures, ensure that complex sentences are clear and grammatically correct.

Overall, the essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents a coherent argument, but attention to language accuracy and the inclusion of more specific examples would enhance its quality.