Question: In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard ...
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Some people advocate the idea that children should be encouraged to try hard to achieve every thing everythingthat they aim for. There are several benefits and drawbacks to this statement, which will be discussed in my essay.
On the one hand, the proponents of this idea believe that having this mindset drives children to foster their progress in various areas of life. Firstly, adhering to this belief, school students may strive to excel in their academic performance by developing greatgood study habits. This determination to achieve high exam scores facilitates higher education opportunities at prestigious academic institutions and may guarantee an appropriatea suitable future career life for them. Secondly, pupils can develop new characteristics, such as perseverance and being goal-oriented, both of which are required to promote professional academic and career progression. Moreover, this belief may motivate individuals, particularly the younger people, to devote their time to exploring their potentialspotential and talents, thereby devising strategic plans to invest onin these talents. This allows individuals to acquire new skills and prevents them from wasting their time.
On the other hand, there are some downsides to this statement. The most important one is that this belief ignores the fact that achieving success is a multifactorial process and, other than hard work, there are various determining factors that need to be viewedconsidered. For instance, environmental factors such as well economic status and educational facilities play an important role in facilitating children’s success. When pupils from impoverished backgrounds do not achieve their goals, especially in their schoolsschool, they may feel frustrated and hopelessnesshopeless, because they believe that they did not deserve accomplishment or put blame on themselves that they had fornot workedworking hard enough. These negative feelings may have detrimental effects on their personality and may damage their self-confidence. Furthermore, by simply believing that every thing everythingis achievable through hard work, young people can set unrealistic goals for their lifelives, which can waste a lot of time and energy.
In conclusion, while encouraging children to work diligently may facilitate their academic and personal growth, the negative consequences of such a belief cannot be overlooked. Therefore, it is essential to instruct youngeryoung people on adoptingto adopt a rational approach toand put their efforts into realistic goals to achieve success.
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Feedback on Your Essay
Task Achievement
Strengths:
Your essay fully addresses the prompt, discussing both advantages and disadvantages of telling children they can achieve anything through hard work.
You provide clear arguments with relevant examples (e.g., academic success, perseverance, economic barriers).
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and offers a balanced perspective.
Areas for Improvement:
Some points could be more concise. For example, the introduction could be slightly shorter while still maintaining clarity.
The phrase "every thing" should be written as "everything" (one word).
The example of impoverished children could be expanded slightly to strengthen the argument (e.g., how systemic barriers affect their opportunities).
Coherence and Cohesion
Strengths:
The essay is well-structured with clear paragraphing (introduction, advantages, disadvantages, conclusion).
Transition words (On the one hand, Firstly, Secondly, Moreover, On the other hand, For instance, Furthermore, In conclusion) enhance logical flow.
Ideas are logically connected, making the argument easy to follow.
Areas for Improvement:
Some sentences are slightly long and could be broken into shorter ones for better readability (e.g., "This determination to achieve high exam scores facilitates higher education opportunities at prestigious academic institutions and may guarantee an appropriate future career life for them.").
A few minor grammatical errors affect cohesion (e.g., "excel their academic performance" should be "excel in their academic performance").
Lexical Resource
Strengths:
You use a good range of vocabulary (perseverance, goal-oriented, multifactorial process, detrimental effects).
Academic and formal language is appropriately used.
Areas for Improvement:
Some word choices could be more precise (e.g., "put blame on themselves" could be "blame themselves").
Avoid redundancy (e.g., "professional academic and career progression" could be simplified to "academic and career success").
Minor spelling errors ("hopelessness" should be "hopeless" in the context of the sentence).
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Strengths:
You demonstrate a good command of complex sentence structures.
Most grammar is accurate, and verb tenses are used correctly.
Areas for Improvement:
Some subject-verb agreement issues ("pupils can develop new characteristics , such as perseverance and being goal-oriented, both of which are required to promote professional academic and career progression." – "are required" should agree with "characteristics").
Article usage needs attention ("an appropriate future career life" could be "a successful future career").
Minor punctuation errors (e.g., unnecessary space before a comma in "characteristics , such as").
Final Suggestions
Refine sentence structure for better clarity and conciseness.
Proofread carefully to eliminate minor grammatical and spelling errors.
Ensure word choice precision to enhance lexical sophistication.
Overall, this is a strong essay with well-developed arguments. With slight refinements in grammar and conciseness, it could be even more effective. Keep up the good work!