Question: Some people think that competition at work, at school, and in daily life is a good thing. ...
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Nowadays, people prefer to choose work for their selvesthemselves(self-employed), rather than working for companies or organizationorganisations. In my opinion, each of the them havehas some advantages and some disadvantages. Although self-employment employed apparently shows full of offers manyopportunities rather thancompared to working for organization butan organisation, many hidehidden aspects of it should be mentioned and assessassessed more carefully.
First of all, it is abviouseobvious that if people work for their selves themselves,they gain many advantages. For instantinstance, when I worked in my bessinesbusiness, I had had flexible timehours while I had to work harder than before, but my income drastically increased in comparison betweento the same time working for employean employer. However, working for myself helped me to raiseenhance my self-development and also expand my vision and flexibility in harsh timetimes. People should be improvedimprove their acceptance about failof failure because there is nothingsnothing steady in any market.
Although self-employedemployment seems more comfortable, but it depends on many factors. If people expanded dataexpand their knowledge about it, self-employed wouldemployment could be workviable. If you are a more challangablechallenging person than employees, it is good for you. Also, people should be take different riskrisks, work unlimited time work hours,and face the possibility for failof failure. For example, while I accepted all the features that I mentioned already, Pandemic the pandemic in 2020 accuredoccurred suddenly, and I failed in my bussinesbusiness.
As a consequence, while most of the people prefer to work for their selves themselves,I believe that fewa small number of them strongly follow this path, and if they gettinggain more information about this approach, they may change their attitudes.
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Task Response
Addressing the Prompt: The essay does not fully address the prompt. The task requires a discussion on competition versus cooperation in various aspects of life, such as work, school, and daily life. However, the response focuses primarily on self-employment versus working for an organization, which is not directly related to the prompt.
Ideas and Examples: The essay provides personal examples related to self-employment, but these do not effectively illustrate the broader topic of competition versus cooperation. More relevant examples and ideas are needed to address the prompt fully.
Coherence and Cohesion
Structure and Organization: The essay lacks a clear structure. It begins with a discussion on self-employment without a clear introduction to the topic of competition versus cooperation. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea that relates to the prompt.
Linking Words: There is some use of linking words (e.g., "First of all," "However"), but they are not always used effectively to connect ideas. More cohesive devices are needed to improve the flow of the essay.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary: The vocabulary is somewhat limited and repetitive. Words like "self-employed" and "work" are used frequently. Try to use a wider range of vocabulary to express ideas more precisely.
Word Choice: There are several instances of incorrect word choice, such as "abviouse" (obvious), "bessines" (business), and "challangable" (challenging). Ensure correct word usage to convey your ideas clearly.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Grammar: The essay contains numerous grammatical errors, including incorrect verb forms ("had had"), subject-verb agreement issues, and sentence fragments. These errors can obscure meaning and should be addressed.
Sentence Structure: Many sentences are awkwardly constructed or incomplete. Aim to use a variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences, to enhance clarity and readability.
Suggestions for Improvement
Relevance to the Prompt: Ensure that your essay directly addresses the prompt. Discuss both competition and cooperation in various contexts, providing balanced arguments and relevant examples.
Essay Structure: Start with a clear introduction that outlines the main points you will discuss. Use separate paragraphs for each main idea, and conclude with a summary of your opinion.
Language Use: Expand your vocabulary and focus on using precise language. Proofread your work to correct spelling and grammatical errors.
Cohesion: Use linking words and phrases to connect ideas and paragraphs logically. This will help improve the overall flow of your essay.
By focusing on these areas, you can develop a more coherent and relevant response to the prompt.