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Question: Some people think that competition at work, at school, and in daily life is a good thing. ...

Click on red question marks (?) to see an explanation for each change. Some changes are only suggestions and don't mean the original is necessarily wrong.
Nowadays, people prefer to choose work for their selvesthemselves (self-employed), rather than working for companies or organizationorganisations. In my opinion, each of the them havehas some advantages and some disadvantages. Although self-employment employed apparently shows full of offers many opportunities rather thancompared to working for organization butan organisation, many hidehidden aspects of it should be mentioned and assessassessed more carefully. First of all, it is abviouseobvious that if people work for their selves themselves, they gain many advantages. For instantinstance, when I worked in my bessinesbusiness, I had had flexible timehours while I had to work harder than before, but my income drastically increased in comparison betweento the same time working for employean employer. However, working for myself helped me to raiseenhance my self-development and also expand my vision and flexibility in harsh timetimes. People should be improvedimprove their acceptance about failof failure because there is nothingsnothing steady in any market. Although self-employedemployment seems more comfortable, but it depends on many factors. If people expanded dataexpand their knowledge about it, self-employed wouldemployment could be workviable. If you are a more challangablechallenging person than employees, it is good for you. Also, people should be take different riskrisks, work unlimited time work hours, and face the possibility for failof failure. For example, while I accepted all the features that I mentioned already, Pandemic the pandemic in 2020 accuredoccurred suddenly, and I failed in my bussinesbusiness. As a consequence, while most of the people prefer to work for their selves themselves, I believe that fewa small number of them strongly follow this path, and if they gettinggain more information about this approach, they may change their attitudes.
This section presents vocabulary suggestions. Highlighted words are either too simple or are repeated more than 3 times . Please note that some suggested alternatives might require changes to other parts of the sentence.
This section presents a professionally wirtten variation of your essay and highlights the differences.
Nowadays people prefer to choose work for their selves(self-employed), rather than working for companies or organization. In my opinion each of the them have some advantages and some disadvantages. Although self- employed apparently shows full of opportunities rather than working for organization but many hide aspects of it should be mentioned and assess more carefully.
Nowadays, many people prefer to choose self-employment rather than working for companies or organizations. In my opinion, both options have their advantages and disadvantages. While self-employment appears to offer more opportunities than traditional employment, there are several hidden aspects that should be considered and assessed more carefully.
First of all, it is abviouse that if people work for their selves they gain many advantages. For instant, when I worked in my bessines I had had flexible time while I had to work harder than before but my income drastically increased in comparison between same time working for employe. However working for myself helped me to raise self-development also expand my vision and flexibility in harsh time. People should be improved acceptance about fail because there is nothings steady in any market.
First of all, it is obvious that working for oneself provides numerous advantages. For instance, when I operated my own business, I enjoyed flexible working hours, which allowed me to work harder than before while significantly increasing my income compared to the same amount of time spent working for an employer. Additionally, self-employment facilitated my personal development and expanded my vision and adaptability during challenging times. People should learn to accept failure, as nothing is guaranteed in any market.
Although self-employed seems more comfortable but it depends on many factors. If people expanded data about it, self-employed would be work. If you are more challangable person than employees it is good for you. Also people should be take different risk, unlimited time work and possibility for fail. For example, while I accepted all features that I mentioned already Pandemic in 2020 accured suddenly and I failed my bussines.
Although self-employment may seem more appealing, it depends on various factors. If individuals gather sufficient information about it, self-employment can be a viable option. If you are a more resilient person than typical employees, it may suit you well. However, individuals must also be prepared to take on different risks, work unlimited hours, and face the possibility of failure. For example, despite my acceptance of all the challenges I mentioned, the pandemic in 2020 occurred unexpectedly, and I ultimately failed in my business.
As a consequence, while most of the people prefer to work for their selves I believe that few number of them strongly follow this and if they getting more information about this approach they may change attitudes.
In conclusion, while many people prefer self-employment, I believe that only a small number of them are truly prepared for it. If they acquire more information about this approach, they may reconsider their attitudes towards it.
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Overall Band Score
4
Overview
Vocabulary Range
average
Linking Words
weak
Spelling
weak
Grammar Accuracy
weak
Grammar Range
average
Cohesion
weak
Paragraph Structure
average
Task Response
weak
Word Count
insufficient
While we are confident in our score estimation, you are not guaranteed to receive the same score in an official test.

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Task Response

  • Addressing the Prompt: The essay does not fully address the prompt. The task requires a discussion on competition versus cooperation in various aspects of life, such as work, school, and daily life. However, the response focuses primarily on self-employment versus working for an organization, which is not directly related to the prompt.
  • Ideas and Examples: The essay provides personal examples related to self-employment, but these do not effectively illustrate the broader topic of competition versus cooperation. More relevant examples and ideas are needed to address the prompt fully.

Coherence and Cohesion

  • Structure and Organization: The essay lacks a clear structure. It begins with a discussion on self-employment without a clear introduction to the topic of competition versus cooperation. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea that relates to the prompt.
  • Linking Words: There is some use of linking words (e.g., "First of all," "However"), but they are not always used effectively to connect ideas. More cohesive devices are needed to improve the flow of the essay.

Lexical Resource

  • Vocabulary: The vocabulary is somewhat limited and repetitive. Words like "self-employed" and "work" are used frequently. Try to use a wider range of vocabulary to express ideas more precisely.
  • Word Choice: There are several instances of incorrect word choice, such as "abviouse" (obvious), "bessines" (business), and "challangable" (challenging). Ensure correct word usage to convey your ideas clearly.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

  • Grammar: The essay contains numerous grammatical errors, including incorrect verb forms ("had had"), subject-verb agreement issues, and sentence fragments. These errors can obscure meaning and should be addressed.
  • Sentence Structure: Many sentences are awkwardly constructed or incomplete. Aim to use a variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences, to enhance clarity and readability.

Suggestions for Improvement

  1. Relevance to the Prompt: Ensure that your essay directly addresses the prompt. Discuss both competition and cooperation in various contexts, providing balanced arguments and relevant examples.
  2. Essay Structure: Start with a clear introduction that outlines the main points you will discuss. Use separate paragraphs for each main idea, and conclude with a summary of your opinion.
  3. Language Use: Expand your vocabulary and focus on using precise language. Proofread your work to correct spelling and grammatical errors.
  4. Cohesion: Use linking words and phrases to connect ideas and paragraphs logically. This will help improve the overall flow of your essay.

By focusing on these areas, you can develop a more coherent and relevant response to the prompt.