Question: Some people think that competition at work, at school, and in daily life is a good thing. ...
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There is a segment of society who believes that competing in life routineroutines is positive, while others think that helping each other is more beneficial. I align my self myselfwith the latter statement.
People have always been competing with each other in different areas. There are several factors responsible for why they like competition. Firstly, they compare themselves with their classmates or co-workers, which leads them to try moreharder and fall ininto the trap of competition. Moreover, they might suffer from mental health issues that may appear as unsatisfiancydissatisfaction. Again, they may feel better if they compete with others and withengage in those battles. But I believe this kind of competition may have many affectseffects on their lives. They may not enjoy their lives until they get what they want, which I think is so cruel for their mental wellbeingwell-being. Furthermore, their personal lives isare going to be affected after they spentspend their days in competitions.
On the other hand, there are people who argue that cooperating is a better way than competing. If we teach our children to have a companypartner in any task that they are supposed to do, consequently they will learn how to help each other and get better results. Recent studies showed that athletes whomwho are participating in group sports, are better inat solving problems and are less likely to suffer from anxiety and depression. Indeed, being a part of a team results in experiencing empathy, happiness, and sadness all together. Conversely, exposing your self in yourself tocompetition for a long period may consequencesresult in anger and frustration.
In conclusion, although individuals have always tried to be the best version of themselves, it is better to abandon this behaviour and try to cooperate.
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Task Achievement
Response to the Prompt: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both views on competition and cooperation. However, the opinion is not clearly stated until the conclusion. It would be beneficial to explicitly state your opinion earlier in the essay.
Development of Ideas: The essay provides reasons for both competition and cooperation but could benefit from more specific examples or evidence to support the claims, particularly in the section discussing the benefits of cooperation.
Coherence and Cohesion
Organization: The essay is organized into clear paragraphs, each focusing on a different aspect of the discussion. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. For instance, using linking words or phrases to connect the paragraphs would enhance the flow.
Cohesion: Some sentences could be better connected. For example, the transition from discussing mental health issues to the impact on personal lives could be more logically linked.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary: The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are some inaccuracies, such as "unsatisfiancy" which should be "dissatisfaction," and "consequences in anger" which should be "result in anger."
Variety: There is a reasonable range of vocabulary, but further variety and precision in word choice would improve the essay.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Sentence Structure: The essay contains a mix of simple and complex sentences. However, some sentences are awkwardly constructed, such as "Again, they may feel better if they compete with others and with those battles."
Grammar: There are several grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues ("their personal lives is going to be affected") and incorrect prepositions ("competing in life routine").
Punctuation: Punctuation is generally correct, but there are instances where commas could improve readability.
Suggestions for Improvement
Clarify Opinion: Clearly state your opinion in the introduction and reinforce it throughout the essay.
Provide Examples: Use specific examples or evidence to support your points, particularly when discussing the benefits of cooperation.
Improve Transitions: Use linking words and phrases to improve the flow between paragraphs and ideas.
Enhance Vocabulary: Work on expanding your vocabulary and using more precise language.
Review Grammar: Pay attention to grammatical accuracy, particularly with subject-verb agreement and prepositions. Consider revising awkward sentence structures for clarity.