Question: Some people think that competition at work, at school, and in daily life is a good thing. ...
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There have always been an ongonigongoing debate about this topic thatof whether it is good to encourage people to compete with each other in different social places such as workplaceworkplaces or schools, or cooperating is more important than competition. Some people believe that life is a long game full of opportunities, which you win or you looselose. So,they persuade childrenschildren from an early agesage to compete with their peers. It gives them the opportunity to grow and achieve whatever they want. For example, when they start working in a company as a junior employee, they need to foster their talents and abillitiesabilities, and in order to be promoted, they are compared with other colleagues so they must know how to compete,; otherwise, they will face problems.On the other hand, otherothers believe that individuals have to try to achieve their goals, but competitingcompeting leads to jelaousyjealousy and makes people to behave unfairunfairly in some special situations. For instance, in the workplace, all the workeforcedworkforce have to support each other. They have to learn that they should be happy for their colleagues' promotions. Because because life isn't a competition and every body everybodycould make their wishes come true if they work hard enough. Therefore, when we teach students to try to have self-growth, and not to compare themselves with other scholars. They, they should help themeach other in the time timesof difficulty and givelend a hand to each other when it is needed.From my perspective, cooperation havehas always been more valuable thatthan competing. And when all the people try to help each other and see themselves as a community, then the route for growth is even brighter and human values will be respected. We as older people owe this to the furtherfuture generation to increase the awareness about human values and breedraise our children with moral educationseducation.
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Task Achievement
Response to the Prompt: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both views on competition and cooperation. It also provides a personal opinion, which is essential for this type of essay.
Examples and Support: The essay includes examples to support both sides of the argument, such as the workplace scenario for competition and the importance of cooperation in achieving goals. However, these examples could be more detailed to strengthen the argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Structure and Organization: The essay is organized into clear paragraphs, each focusing on a specific aspect of the discussion. However, the introduction could be more engaging and clearly state the purpose of the essay.
Linking Words: There is some use of linking words and phrases (e.g., "for example," "on the other hand," "therefore"), but the transitions between ideas could be smoother. Consider using more varied linking phrases to enhance the flow of the essay.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary: The vocabulary used is generally appropriate for the topic. However, there are some spelling errors (e.g., "ongoing," "children," "abilities," "jealousy," "workforce," "competing") that need correction. Additionally, some phrases could be more precise or varied to demonstrate a wider range of vocabulary.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Grammar: The essay contains several grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues ("life is a long game full of opportunities, which you win or you loose"), incorrect verb forms ("competing leads to jelaousy"), and sentence fragments ("Because life isn't a competition"). These errors can affect the clarity of the essay.
Sentence Structure: There is a mix of simple and complex sentences, but some sentences are awkwardly constructed or run-on. Work on varying sentence structures and ensuring each sentence is complete and clear.
Suggestions for Improvement
Introduction: Start with a more engaging introduction that clearly outlines the two perspectives and your stance.
Examples: Provide more detailed and specific examples to support each viewpoint.
Linking Words: Use a wider range of cohesive devices to improve the flow between ideas and paragraphs.
Vocabulary and Spelling: Pay attention to spelling and use a broader range of vocabulary to express ideas more precisely.
Grammar and Sentence Structure: Review grammar rules, especially subject-verb agreement and sentence completeness. Practice writing varied sentence structures to enhance readability.
By addressing these areas, the essay can be improved in terms of clarity, coherence, and overall effectiveness in responding to the prompt.