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Question: Some people think that competition at work, at school, and in daily life is a good thing. ...

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In terms of how people must behave in their work office, at school or elsewhere, there are two schools of thought. One claims that rivalry would be beneficial. On the other hand, others assert that people should accompanysupport each other instead of competing. However, both of these approaches will be discussed in this essay, in addition to mine. First and foremost, it is an undeniable fact that employers have been putting a considerable amount of both physical and mental pressure on their employees' shoulder shoulders since the arrival of our tech-driven era. Developed technology gave rise to emerging a toxic atmosphere between companies, especially the boards of directors, in order to prove to each other which one is better inat providing services to customers. Based on psychological facts, you will become what your surroundings' vibes are. Moreover, pupils are focusing on numerical results, rather than what they have really learned. They are sacrificing quality for quantity. Principals contribute to this situation through arisingby creating a sense of unreal proudpride or making students to compare themselves with each other, which can leak into their souls. In this regard, when these mentioned people come back home after their work hours or school, they tend to behave this way since it has become a core part of their personality asdue to its long-term effects. On the contrary, there are individuals who view this concept from a different angle. Such people thatwho would prefer cooperation, believe that the more they interact with others, the more experienced they wouldwill become. For instance, when either a person who you care about or a stranger is in trouble, and you take a step to help them, not only do you convey a sense of empathy, but also there is a chance for you to learn something new inon this occasion from them. It is worth mentioning that it has a positive effect on boosting your daily mood due to helping aanother human being. Additionally, imagine a school, office or a family in which its members are constantly turning green with envy, and want to surpass each other. AtIn the end, there is nothing left but a ruined cozycosy corner, which once was supposed to witness their delighted relationship. Therefore, they consider cooperation a necessity to make progress in every aspectsaspect of their lives, not racing. In conclusion, I am a proponent of both the former and the latter, striking a perfect balance. Despite all the drawback laydrawbacks that lie behind the competition concept, if people shouldwant to live a happier life, full of success and respect, it is their responsibility to figure out where they should show sympathy or contestation.
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Overall Band Score
6.5
Overview
Vocabulary Range
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Spelling
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Grammar Accuracy
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Grammar Range
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Cohesion
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Task Response
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Word Count
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While we are confident in our score estimation, you are not guaranteed to receive the same score in an official test.

Task Achievement

The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both views on competition and cooperation, and it provides a personal opinion. However, the introduction could be clearer in stating the writer's stance. The conclusion attempts to balance both views but could be more decisive in expressing the writer's opinion. The essay effectively covers the main points but could benefit from more specific examples to support the arguments.

Coherence and Cohesion

The essay is generally well-organized, with a clear structure that includes an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both views, and a conclusion. However, some transitions between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the transition from discussing the negative aspects of competition to the benefits of cooperation could be more fluid. Additionally, the essay could benefit from clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader through the argument.

Lexical Resource

The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with some sophisticated word choices such as "tech-driven era," "toxic atmosphere," and "convey a sense of empathy." However, there are occasional awkward phrases and word choices that could be improved for clarity and precision. For example, "arising a sense of unreal proud" could be rephrased to "instilling a false sense of pride."

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

The essay shows a variety of sentence structures, which is commendable. However, there are several grammatical errors and awkward constructions that detract from the overall clarity. For example, "employers have been putting a considerable amount of both physical and mental pressure on their employees shoulder" should be "employees' shoulders." Additionally, "making students to compare themselves" should be "making students compare themselves." Attention to subject-verb agreement and article usage would improve the grammatical accuracy.

Suggestions for Improvement

  1. Clarify the Introduction and Conclusion: Clearly state your opinion in the introduction and provide a more decisive conclusion.
  2. Enhance Coherence: Use clearer transitions between ideas and ensure each paragraph has a strong topic sentence.
  3. Provide Specific Examples: Include specific examples to support your arguments and make them more convincing.
  4. Improve Grammatical Accuracy: Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, article usage, and sentence structure to enhance clarity.
  5. Refine Vocabulary: Review word choices for clarity and precision, and avoid awkward phrasing.

Overall, the essay presents a balanced discussion of the topic but could be improved with clearer organization, more specific examples, and attention to grammatical accuracy.