Question: In their advertising, businesses nowadays usually emphasise that their products are new in...
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Nowadays, businesses tend to introduce their products as innovative goods in advertisements. This trend havehas several reasons such as absorbingattracting people's attention and promoting products; however, in my opinion, it might bring several disadvantages. This essay will discuss about these reasons and will answer the question of: why this trend is not advatageousadvantageous.To begin with, businesses might have several reasons to show their product as an uniqea unique thing. Undoubtedly, when a prouctproduct seems more intrestinginteresting and different from all rivals' goods, people might have more passion to buy it. This can be the result of self-satisfaction of people or, in some cases, because of a show-off attitude. For instance, there are several people who have an expensive mobile phone that can meet all their needs in a proper way, but they want to ourchasepurchase an advertised smartphone that does not have any furtheradditional features; while this advertised mobile phone is only showed uniqeshown as unique, there isare no major differences between them. So in this way, busineeses attemt businesses attempt to convince people, and promotpromote their new product.In my opinion, this trend might increase the materialism and consumersimconsumerism. peoplePeople will tend to purchase new products that they do not really need, only for showing them off it to their friends or realtivesrelatives. Moreover, it might lead to a high amount of wasteswaste because people may throw out their old possessions, leading to several environmental issues such as fullfilingfilling waste lanfillslandfills. Therefore, this trend can offercause problematic issues.IN
In conclusion, howeveralthough emphasising that a proctproduct is new can attract more buyers, but it can increase materialism, consumerism, and even bring environmental problems for the whole society.
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Feedback on Your Essay
Task Achievement
Strengths:
You addressed the prompt by discussing why businesses emphasize newness in their products and provided a clear opinion (negative development).
You included an example (smartphones) to support your argument, which strengthens your response.
The essay meets the minimum word requirement.
Areas for Improvement:
Clarity of Position: While you state that the trend is negative, your introduction could be clearer. Instead of saying "it might bring several disadvantages," explicitly state that you believe it is a negative development.
Explanation of Reasons: The reasons for businesses emphasizing newness (e.g., attracting attention, competition) are mentioned but could be expanded with more depth or additional examples.
Conclusion: The conclusion is somewhat abrupt. Restate your position more clearly and summarize key points concisely.
Coherence and Cohesion
Strengths:
The essay has a logical structure (introduction, body paragraphs, conclusion).
Some linking words ("To begin with," "Moreover," "Therefore") help with cohesion.
Areas for Improvement:
Paragraphing: The second body paragraph is quite long. Consider breaking it into two paragraphs—one discussing business motivations and another discussing consumer behavior.
Transitions: Some sentences feel disconnected. For example, the shift from "self-satisfaction" to "show off attitude" is abrupt. Use smoother transitions.
Repetition: Avoid repeating phrases like "this trend" too often. Use synonyms or rephrase for variety.
Lexical Resource
Strengths:
You use some topic-related vocabulary (e.g., "materialism," "consumerism," "environmental issues").
There is an attempt at varied word choice (e.g., "absorbing attention" vs. "promoting products").
Areas for Improvement:
Word Choice & Accuracy: Some words are misspelled or misused (e.g., "uniqe" → "unique," "intresting" → "interesting," "ourchase" → "purchase"). Proofread carefully.
Formal Tone: Avoid informal phrasing like "show off." Instead, use "displaying status" or "seeking social validation."
Word Forms: "High amount of wastes" should be "large amounts of waste."
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Strengths:
You attempt complex sentences (e.g., "when a product seems more interesting...").
Some correct use of grammar structures (e.g., "leading to several environmental issues").
Article Errors: "the result of self-satisfaction" → "a result of self-satisfaction."
Sentence Structure: Some sentences are awkward or unclear. For example:
"This essay will discuss about these reasons and will answer the question of: why this trend is not advatageous." (Better: "This essay will discuss the reasons for this trend and argue why it is a negative development.")
Punctuation: Avoid unnecessary colons (e.g., "the question of: why"). Use a comma or rephrase.
Final Suggestions
Revise for Clarity: Make sure each sentence clearly conveys your idea.
Expand Key Points: Add more depth to your arguments (e.g., how materialism affects society).
Proofread: Check for spelling, grammar, and word choice errors.
Improve Flow: Use more linking words and vary sentence structures.
With some refinement, your essay can become stronger and more polished. Keep practicing!