Question: Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages...
Marking Generated by Free AI Models
You are on the free tier, which uses free AI models. They can occasionally be slow, unstable, or temporarily unavailable. Balang Plus uses premium models for faster, more reliable, and higher-quality marking.
Click on red question marks (?) to see an explanation for each change. Some changes are only suggestions and don't mean the original is necessarily wrong.
The global unity and solidarity of humanity are crucial subjects for all time. Some believe that music is a vital key factor in achieving this goal. While I completely support their opinion, I argue that there are more methods as effective as music, such as social media.On the one hand, it is undeniable that music has always been a part of human life. First of all, music is considered a means of communication between humans and their ancestors, and even before any advancements in the music industry or in musical instruments, people trytried to contact and share ideas through poems. Similarly, in the modern world, music still has itsthe power to attract individuals, regardless of agesage and gendersgender, from all over the world. For instance, the Adele World Tour took a place merely in the Munich for several weeks, howeveryet fans who participated in were from all over Europe and even Asia. As a result, these people with differences in culturesculture, nationsnationality, and religion madeformed bonds and connections that no politicians andor governments cancould build.On the other hand, I believe that there are more ways to interconnectconnect humans. The most important one is social media, which plays a crucial role in this matter. In the wake of technological developments, social platforms, like Instagram and X (Twitter), have essential impacts ofon individuals, in particular particularlythe youth population. In this way, Peoplepeople can share their opinions and discuss with others online, and in fact, there is no limitation based on their location. Moreover, international attention can be attracted ondrawn to important subjects, such as wars and revolutions which accrued occurringin the worldsworld, and as a result, global unitiesunity or campaigns are created for supportingto support people suffering from those situations.In conclusion, while bringing individuals with different cultures and opinions together has become aan important duty, some believe that music is the best option in order to build a cohesion among mankind. Although I agree with those people, in my opinion, other useful methods, such as social media, which make significant contributions to this matter by influencing on individuals.
While we are confident in our score estimation, you are not guaranteed to receive the same score in an official test.
Feedback on Your Essay
Task Achievement
Strengths:
You have addressed the prompt effectively by discussing both the role of music and alternative methods (social media) in bringing people together.
Your arguments are supported with relevant examples (Adele’s concert, social media’s role in global discussions).
The essay exceeds the minimum word count, providing a thorough discussion.
Areas for Improvement:
The introduction could be more concise. The first sentence ("The global unity and solidarity of humanity are crucial subjects for all time.") is somewhat vague and could be more directly linked to the prompt.
Some points could be developed further. For example, the comparison between music and social media could be more balanced—currently, the essay leans more toward social media.
The conclusion restates the thesis but could summarize the key points more clearly.
Coherence and Cohesion
Strengths:
The essay is logically structured with clear paragraphs (introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion).
Transition words ("On the one hand," "On the other hand," "In conclusion") help guide the reader.
Areas for Improvement:
Some sentences are overly long and could be broken down for clarity (e.g., "The Adele World took a place merely in the Munich for several weeks, however fans who participated in were from all Europe and even Asia.").
Minor grammatical errors affect flow (e.g., "there more ways" should be "there are more ways").
The connection between ideas within paragraphs could be smoother. For example, the transition from music to social media feels abrupt.
Lexical Resource
Strengths:
You use a range of vocabulary (e.g., "solidarity," "advancements," "cohesion," "campaigns").
Some effective phrasing ("music has always been a part of human life," "social media plays a crucial role").
Areas for Improvement:
Some word choices are awkward or incorrect (e.g., "Adele World took a place merely in the Munich" → "Adele’s concert was held in Munich").
Repetition of "individuals" and "people" could be varied (e.g., "audiences," "communities").
Minor errors in word forms (e.g., "accrued" should be "occurred").
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Strengths:
You attempt complex sentence structures, which is good for a higher band score.
Most grammar is correct, and verb tenses are generally appropriate.
Areas for Improvement:
Subject-verb agreement errors (e.g., "there more ways" → "there are more ways").
Article errors (e.g., "a important duty" → "an important duty").
Preposition errors (e.g., "in the Munich" → "in Munich").
Some awkward phrasing (e.g., "made bonds and connections that no politicians and governments can build" → "formed bonds that politicians and governments cannot").
Final Suggestions
Clarify and refine your introduction to directly address the prompt.
Balance the discussion between music and social media more evenly.
Break down long sentences for better readability.
Proofread for grammar and word choice to improve accuracy.
Overall, your essay presents a strong argument but would benefit from tighter structure and language refinement. Keep practicing!