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Question: In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an aging...

Click on red question marks (?) to see an explanation for each change. Some changes are only suggestions and don't mean the original is necessarily wrong.
There is a controversial argument among people, about whether having more older people in a society is beneficial or not. I believe, although it may have pros, it is indeed problematic. There is a segment of society whothat believes that an aging population is helpful to societies. When people can live longer, they can experience more. Indeed, individuals have more opportunity to be an expert in a precisespecific area. Then the governments can use experts' knowledge to develop all segmentssectors of their countries. For instance, Mr. Gao reached the peak of his researchesresearch when he was 80. Imagine previous decades thatwhen people did not have the chance to be alive inat this age, and even if they stayed alive, they were vulnerable and unable to study. But are all the old citizens researchesresearchers and do they benefit the government? On the other hand, some people argue that it is going to be problematic. Firstly, when mankind gets older they need special care. They need some one someone to take care of them, thatwhich can be hard for their children or grand childrengrandchildren. Secondly, not only do they want mental care, but they also they want medical care. As the age growsincreases, the body's health decreasedeclines. So more hospitals and healthcare facilities should be provided for them, last. Last but not least, insurance services may face difficulties due to the majorlarge number of retired citizens, so several actions should be taken to fixaddress the insurance problem. In conclusion, I align my self myself with the idea that an aging population is going to makecreate problems, and I think the advantages don't outweigh the disadvantages.
This section presents vocabulary suggestions. Highlighted words are either too simple or are repeated more than 3 times . Please note that some suggested alternatives might require changes to other parts of the sentence.
This section presents a professionally wirtten variation of your essay and highlights the differences.
There is a controversial argument among people, whether having more older people in a society is beneficial or not. I believe, although it may have pros, it is indeed problematic.
There is a controversial argument among people regarding whether having a larger elderly population in society is beneficial or not. I believe that, although there may be some advantages, it is indeed problematic.
There is a segment of society who believes that an aging population is helpful to societies. When people can live longer, they can experience more. Indeed, individuals have more opportunity to be an expert in a precise area. Then the governments can use experts' knowledge to develop all segments of their countries. For instance, Mr. Gao reached the peak of his researches when he was 80. Imagine previous decades that people did not have the chance to be alive in this age, and even if they stayed alive, they were vulnerable and unable to study. But are all the old citizens researches and they benefit the government?
There is a segment of society that believes an aging population can be advantageous. As people live longer, they have the opportunity to gain more experiences. Indeed, individuals can become experts in specific fields, and governments can leverage this expertise to enhance various sectors of their countries. For instance, Mr. Gao reached the peak of his research when he was 80 years old. Imagine if previous decades had not allowed people to live to such an age; even if they had lived longer, they might have been too frail to continue their studies. However, are all elderly citizens researchers, and do they all benefit the government?
On the other hand, some people argue that it is going to be problematic. Firstly, when mankind gets older they need special care. They need some one to take care of them, that can be hard for their children or grand children. Secondly, not only they want mental care, but also they want medical care. As the age grows, body's health decrease. So more hospitals and healthcare facilities should be provided for them, last but not least, insurance services may face difficulties due to the major number of retired citizens, so several actions should be taken to fix the insurance problem.
On the other hand, many argue that an aging population presents significant challenges. Firstly, as people grow older, they require special care, which can be burdensome for their children or grandchildren. Secondly, they not only need mental support but also medical care. As age increases, physical health tends to decline, necessitating more hospitals and healthcare facilities to accommodate their needs. Last but not least, insurance services may face difficulties due to the large number of retired citizens, prompting the need for various measures to address the insurance challenges.
In conclusion, I align my self with the idea that aging population is going to make problems, and I think the advantages don't outweigh the disadvantages.
In conclusion, I align myself with the view that an aging population is likely to create problems, and I believe that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.
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Overall Band Score
6
Overview
Vocabulary Range
average
Linking Words
average
Spelling
average
Grammar Accuracy
average
Grammar Range
average
Cohesion
average
Paragraph Structure
average
Task Response
average
Word Count
sufficient
While we are confident in our score estimation, you are not guaranteed to receive the same score in an official test.

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Task Achievement

  • Response to the Prompt: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of an aging population. However, the argument could be more balanced. The essay leans more towards discussing the disadvantages, which might not fully explore the extent to which the advantages could outweigh the disadvantages.
  • Position: The writer's position is clear, stating that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. However, the essay could benefit from a more nuanced exploration of the advantages to provide a more comprehensive analysis.

Coherence and Cohesion

  • Organization: The essay is organized into clear paragraphs, each focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, the transition between the paragraphs could be smoother. For instance, the transition from discussing the benefits to the drawbacks could be more seamless.
  • Cohesion: The use of cohesive devices is present but could be improved. Phrases like "On the other hand" are used to introduce contrasting points, but additional linking words and phrases could enhance the flow of ideas.

Lexical Resource

  • Vocabulary: The vocabulary used is appropriate for the topic, but there is room for more varied and precise language. For example, instead of "mankind gets older," a more precise term like "as individuals age" could be used.
  • Word Choice: Some word choices could be improved for clarity and precision. For example, "researches" should be "researchers" in the context provided.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

  • Sentence Structure: The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentences, which is good. However, some sentences are awkwardly constructed, such as "But are all the old citizens researches and they benefit the government?" This sentence could be rephrased for clarity.
  • Grammar: There are minor grammatical errors, such as "some one" which should be "someone," and "my self" which should be "myself." These errors do not significantly impede understanding but should be corrected for accuracy.

Suggestions for Improvement

  1. Balance the Argument: Provide a more balanced discussion by elaborating on the potential benefits of an aging population, such as the wisdom and experience they bring to society.
  2. Enhance Cohesion: Use more linking words and phrases to improve the flow between ideas and paragraphs.
  3. Improve Vocabulary and Precision: Use more varied vocabulary and ensure word choices are precise and appropriate for the context.
  4. Refine Grammar and Sentence Structure: Pay attention to sentence construction and correct minor grammatical errors to enhance clarity and readability.

Overall, the essay presents a clear position but could benefit from a more balanced exploration of the topic and improvements in cohesion, vocabulary, and grammatical accuracy.