Question: Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages...
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It is believed by some people that music is a universal tongue and can closebring together the hearts of people with various culturecultures and ages together. I completely agree with this opinion on the basis of music events and the natural roots of music in humans.Firstly, music attracts anyall individuals and when it comes to music, it reminds us of concerts, tours, parties, and any other gatherings. People can have conflicts, arguments, competitions, and even warwars might happen between several countries, but music is a point thatwhere people put aside their conflicts and enjoy the positive atmosphere that music has brought bringsfor them. Additionally, the amount of joy from listening to music will bemultifold when people gather inat a concert as peoplethey can transfershare their joys towith each other. For example, the biggest music tour has been held by the famous American singer, Taylor Swift, with more than 100 thousands of thousandpeople from different culturecultures, values, and languages. So, music is a universal language drawing people to have a great time together regardless of their opinions, conflicts, races, languages, and different values.Secondly, music has roots in thehuman nature of humans. Nobody can deny the positive effects of music on thehuman emotions of humans as music is the sound of nature and impacts anybodyeveryone, regardless of their race, opinions, and culture. Music has been developed in different forms of human’s sentiments; all thehuman emotions of human such as happiness, sadness, empathy, longing, desire, love, and so on, are found in music. So, music has a lot of thing to say, and there are billions of people who love to hear themit out there.
In conclusion, I personally believe music has risenarisen from human nature of human, and is a kind of an art that is more enjoyable to experience it with other people as peoplethey share their feelings there, so music is definitely a good way to closebring and gather people together.
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Feedback on Your Essay
Task Achievement
Your response fully addresses the prompt, presenting a clear opinion and supporting it with relevant arguments.
The examples you provided (Taylor Swift’s concert) are effective in illustrating how music unites people.
However, some points could be more developed. For instance, the idea that music has "roots in the nature of humans" is interesting but could be explained more clearly with additional examples or reasoning.
Avoid minor inaccuracies (e.g., "100 thousands" should be "100,000").
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure with clear paragraphing (introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion).
Some sentences are overly long and could be broken down for better readability (e.g., the second sentence in the first body paragraph).
Transition words (e.g., "Firstly," "Secondly," "In conclusion") help guide the reader, but more varied linking phrases could improve flow.
Lexical Resource
You use a good range of vocabulary (e.g., "universal tongue," "multifold," "sentiments").
Some word choices are slightly unnatural (e.g., "close the hearts of people" could be "bring people together").
Minor grammatical errors affect precision (e.g., "music has a lot of thing to say" should be "music has a lot to say").
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
There are several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement ("the amount of joy... will be multifold" could be "the joy... multiplies"), article misuse ("a kind of an art" should be "a kind of art"), and awkward phrasing ("music has risen from nature of human" could be "music stems from human nature").
Work on sentence structure to avoid run-on sentences (e.g., the last sentence of the first body paragraph is too long).
Suggestions for Improvement
Clarify and refine ideas—Some concepts (e.g., music’s "natural roots") need clearer explanations.
Shorten and simplify sentences—Break down complex sentences for better readability.
Proofread for grammar and word choice—Review articles, prepositions, and phrasing to improve accuracy.
Use more varied transitions—Instead of just "Firstly," "Secondly," try phrases like "Another key aspect" or "Furthermore."
Overall, your essay presents a strong argument but would benefit from improved clarity, grammar, and sentence structure. Keep practicing!