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Question: In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an aging...

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In many developed countries, life expectancy is rapidly growing. It is important to consider the negative and positive effects of an increasing elderly population on both society and policy makerspolicymakers. This essay will explain why I believe the drawbacks of having elder citizens are outweighed by itstheir benefits. On the one hand, senior citizens are usually equipped with a lot of wisdomswisdom and experiencesexperience that they can pass them than on to the younger generation. This is because their life experiences can help young people to become more self-sufficient and provide a more skillfulskilled and competent workforce for their countries. For instance, work related to education, such as, being a mentor andor university professor, are perfects is perfect for the elderly, and they can take a big step toin nurturing and educating youngsters by sharing their life journeyjourneys. As a result, an increasing well-educated workforce in society can lead to countries’ economic growth and development. On the other hand, one of the pressing problems of this trend is the high rate of unemployment. The reason for this is that as more and more people are in work, therefore there wouldwill be fewer and fewer jobs to go around. Consequently, young people find it difficult to find to break into their desired professions. Another issue is about the high cost of living. This is because as a greater number of people live out more of their lives in retirement, they may run out of money in their pensions and thus have to depend on their families and the government for financialfinancial support. In conclusion, I think that the disadvantages of joblessness and financial troubles that a longer life span lifespan may present to government and society are greater than the advantages of educating younger individuals.
This section presents vocabulary suggestions. Highlighted words are either too simple or are repeated more than 3 times . Please note that some suggested alternatives might require changes to other parts of the sentence.
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In many developed countries, life expectancy is rapidly growing. It is important to consider the negative and positive effects of increasing elderly population on both society and policy makers. This essay will explain why I believe the drawbacks of having elder citizens are outweighed by its benefits.
In many developed countries, life expectancy is rapidly increasing. It is important to consider both the negative and positive effects of an increasing elderly population on society and policymakers. This essay will explain why I believe the drawbacks of having older citizens are outweighed by their benefits.
On the one hand, senior citizens are usually equipped with a lot of wisdoms and experiences that can pass them than to the younger generation. This is because their life experiences can help young people to become more self-sufficient and provide more skillful and competent workforce for their countries. For instance, work related to education such as, being a mentor and university professor are perfects for the elderly, and they can take a big step to nurturing and educating youngsters by sharing their life journey. As a result, increasing well-educated workforce in society can lead to countries’ economic growth and development.
On the one hand, senior citizens are often equipped with a wealth of wisdom and experience that they can pass on to the younger generation. Their life experiences can help young people become more self-sufficient and contribute to a more skilled and competent workforce for their countries. For instance, roles related to education, such as mentoring and university professorships, are well-suited for the elderly. They can play a significant role in nurturing and educating young individuals by sharing their life journeys. As a result, an increase in a well-educated workforce can lead to economic growth and development in society.
On the other hand, one of the pressing problems of this trend is the high rate of unemployment. The reason for this is that as more and more people are in work, therefore there would be fewer and fewer jobs to go around. Consequently, young people find it difficult to find to break into their desired professions. Another issue is about the high cost of living. This is because as a greater number of people live out more of their lives in retirement, they may run out of money in their pensions and thus have to depend on their families and government for financial support.
On the other hand, one of the pressing problems associated with this trend is the high rate of unemployment. As more people remain in the workforce for longer, there may be fewer job opportunities available for younger individuals. Consequently, young people may find it increasingly difficult to break into their desired professions. Another issue is the high cost of living. As a greater number of individuals spend more of their lives in retirement, they may deplete their pension funds and subsequently depend on their families and the government for financial support.
In conclusion, I think that the disadvantages of joblessness and financial troubles that a longer life span may present government and society are greater than the advantages of educating younger individuals.
In conclusion, I believe that the disadvantages of joblessness and financial challenges posed by an extended lifespan are outweighed by the advantages of educating and nurturing younger individuals.
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Overall Band Score
6.5
Overview
Vocabulary Range
average
Linking Words
average
Spelling
average
Grammar Accuracy
average
Grammar Range
average
Cohesion
average
Paragraph Structure
average
Task Response
average
Word Count
sufficient
While we are confident in our score estimation, you are not guaranteed to receive the same score in an official test.

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Task Achievement

  • Response to the Prompt: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of an aging population. However, there is a contradiction in the thesis statement and conclusion. The thesis suggests that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks, but the conclusion states the opposite. This inconsistency needs to be resolved for a clear stance.
  • Development of Ideas: The essay provides relevant examples, such as the role of elderly individuals in education, to support the advantages. However, the disadvantages could be expanded with more specific examples or data to strengthen the argument.

Coherence and Cohesion

  • Organization: The essay is organized into clear paragraphs, each focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, the transition between the advantages and disadvantages could be smoother. Consider using linking phrases to enhance the flow between ideas.
  • Cohesion: Some sentences could be better connected. For instance, the transition from discussing wisdom to economic growth could be more explicit to show how one leads to the other.

Lexical Resource

  • Vocabulary: The essay uses a range of vocabulary, but there are some inaccuracies, such as "wisdoms" (should be "wisdom") and "perfects" (should be "perfect"). Ensure that word forms are used correctly.
  • Variety: While there is some variety in word choice, further diversification of vocabulary could enhance the essay. Try to use synonyms or more precise terms to avoid repetition.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

  • Sentence Structure: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentences. However, some sentences are awkwardly constructed, such as "This is because their life experiences can help young people to become more self-sufficient and provide more skillful and competent workforce for their countries." Consider revising for clarity.
  • Grammar: There are minor grammatical errors, such as "pass them than to the younger generation" (should be "pass them on to the younger generation"). Proofreading for such errors would improve the overall quality.

Suggestions for Improvement

  1. Clarify Thesis and Conclusion: Ensure that the thesis statement and conclusion align in terms of the stance on the issue.
  2. Expand on Disadvantages: Provide more detailed examples or data to support the disadvantages of an aging population.
  3. Enhance Cohesion: Use linking words and phrases to improve the flow between paragraphs and ideas.
  4. Proofread for Accuracy: Check for grammatical errors and awkward phrasing to enhance clarity and precision.
  5. Diversify Vocabulary: Incorporate a wider range of vocabulary to avoid repetition and demonstrate lexical resourcefulness.

By addressing these areas, the essay can present a more balanced and coherent argument, effectively responding to the prompt.