Question: Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which cause many h...
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It is argued that applying an increase in the price of sugary snacks may contribute to the lower consumption of sugar, due to the fact that the high amount of sugar in produced drinkable and eatableedible products is associated with many health-related problemproblems. I agree with this statement and some preventive measures should be taken to decrease the usage of sugary products, while encouraging people to enjoy more wholesome meals.
First and foremost, when people do not pay attention to their intakes adequately, it would be the government's responsibility to take some effective actions in order to reduce health problems for its citizens. One of those measurementsmeasures can be allocating tax burdens on some specific products, especially sugary ones, or makemaking them more expensive due to the fact that they are a serious harm forto physical well-being. These actions benefit not only humans but also the overall health of society. For example, if people beare obese, they are more likely to stay at home passively, and a lack of activity can bring about fewer workforceworkers and lead to inadequate financial productivity.
Making the products with sugary flavorsflavours, albeit useful, is not enough. Some incentive programs can be doneimplemented to riseraise people's awareness of the adverse impact of unhealthy food on mental and physical health. For instance, providing some deteriorating advertisements due to encourage people to consume lessfewer sugary products. Moreover, introducing some shining examples of problems which are the result of consuming these products, such as obesity and diabetes, may change the people's shopping habits. Another efficient action would be providing fresh fruits and vegetables in every walkpart of the city.
In conclusion, the government playplays an important role in shaping the people's daily consumption. In addition, some measures should be undertaken in order to reduce the consumption of unhealthy snacks.
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Task Response
Addressing the Prompt: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing the potential benefits of making sugary products more expensive to reduce consumption. It clearly states an agreement with the idea and provides reasons to support this stance.
Development of Ideas: The essay presents a clear argument for increasing the price of sugary products and suggests additional measures such as awareness programs and providing healthier alternatives. However, the essay could benefit from more detailed examples or evidence to strengthen the argument.
Conclusion: The conclusion summarizes the main points but could be more robust by reiterating the key arguments made in the body paragraphs.
Coherence and Cohesion
Logical Structure: The essay is logically structured with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph has a clear main idea.
Use of Cohesive Devices: Cohesive devices such as "first and foremost," "for example," and "moreover" are used to connect ideas. However, some transitions could be smoother, and the essay could benefit from more varied linking words to enhance flow.
Lexical Resource
Range of Vocabulary: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, such as "preventive measures," "tax burdens," and "incentive programs." However, there are some awkward phrases, such as "deteriorating advertisements," which could be clarified.
Accuracy: There are minor errors in word choice and collocation, such as "rise people awareness" instead of "raise people's awareness."
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Sentence Structures: The essay uses a variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences. However, some sentences are awkwardly constructed, such as "if people be obese," which should be "if people become obese."
Grammar and Punctuation: There are a few grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues and missing articles. For example, "lack of activity can bring about fewer workforce" should be "a lack of activity can lead to a reduced workforce."
Suggestions for Improvement
Provide More Examples: Include specific examples or data to support the argument that increasing prices will reduce sugar consumption.
Enhance Cohesion: Use a wider range of cohesive devices to improve the flow between ideas and paragraphs.
Clarify Vocabulary: Ensure that word choices are precise and appropriate for the context.
Refine Grammar: Pay attention to grammatical accuracy, particularly in subject-verb agreement and sentence construction.
Overall, the essay presents a clear argument and is well-structured, but it could be improved with more detailed support and refined language use.