Question: In many countries around the world, rural people are moving to cities, so the population i...
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It is claimed that there is a decline in the population of the countryside as a result of rural immigration to cities in several countries. Whilst I believe rural people have the right to enjoy higher standards of living, I presume that this trend may give rise to some urban sprawlingsprawl and air pollution.
On the one hand, people living in the countryside are usually are deprived fromof numerous facilities such as, higher educational systems and better healthcare systems. If they move to big cities, for example, they can enjoy attending more facilitatedwell-equipped universities and hospitals. In addition, getting graduated graduatingfrom a top-ranked university, may enable them to find a decent and rewarding job which contributes to higher standards of living.
On the other hand, immigration to cities, albeit useful for rusticrural people, require arequires an efficient infrastructure. This is to say that, immigration to cities may not only lead to overpopulation but also air pollution. Due to the fact that, urban sprawl is often the result of unplanned city development and a large number of residenceresidents who are seeking for a dwelling. Moreover, public transportation might not be able to assist people in meeting their transport needs and the increase in the usageuse of private cars can lead to air pollution.
In conclusion, I affirm,that despite the fact that living in a city provides many useful opportunities, the city should be well-infrastructureinfrastructured to be the host of migrants as this action can cause many systemic and environmental problems.
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Task Achievement
Response to the Prompt: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the positive and negative aspects of rural-to-urban migration. However, the conclusion could be more explicit in stating whether the overall development is positive or negative, as the prompt asks for a clear stance.
Ideas and Examples: The essay provides relevant ideas and examples, such as access to better education and healthcare in cities, and the potential for urban sprawl and pollution. However, the examples could be more detailed to strengthen the argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Organization: The essay is organized into clear paragraphs, each focusing on a specific aspect of the issue. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the transition from discussing the benefits to the drawbacks could be more seamless.
Cohesive Devices: The use of cohesive devices is present but could be improved. Phrases like "on the one hand" and "on the other hand" are used effectively, but additional linking words and phrases could enhance the flow of the essay.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, such as "urban sprawl," "decent and rewarding job," and "systemic and environmental problems." However, there are some awkward phrases, such as "rural people have right" which should be "rural people have the right."
Word Choice: Some word choices could be improved for clarity and precision. For example, "require a efficient infrastructure" should be "require efficient infrastructure."
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Sentence Structure: The essay uses a variety of sentence structures, which is commendable. However, there are some grammatical errors, such as "people living in the countryside usually are deprived from" which should be "deprived of."
Grammar and Punctuation: There are minor grammatical errors and punctuation issues, such as missing articles and incorrect comma usage. For example, "a large number of residence" should be "a large number of residents."
Suggestions for Improvement
Clarify Your Stance: Make your overall opinion on whether the development is positive or negative more explicit in the conclusion.
Enhance Transitions: Use more cohesive devices to improve the flow between paragraphs and ideas.
Expand Examples: Provide more detailed examples to support your points, which will strengthen your argument.
Proofread for Errors: Review the essay for grammatical errors and awkward phrasing to improve clarity and accuracy.
By addressing these areas, the essay can be more effective in meeting the IELTS writing criteria.