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Question: In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an aging...

Click on red question marks (?) to see an explanation for each change. Some changes are only suggestions and don't mean the original is necessarily wrong.
Although it is sometimes thought that increasing the number of olderlyelderly people in a society can bear a high volume of expenses for the government, other people beleivebelieve that livinigliving in a community that have mrehas more old people could be beneficial. In my opinion, deciding whether the existanceexistence of more old people in a society is useful or not depends on the amountlevel of the development in a country. On the one hand, according to some, a society could benefit offrom having more aged indivitualsindividuals. Old people have had valuable experriencesexperiences during their lifelives, which they can transfer them to the next generation. In other words, society can givereceive a hand from the elderieselderly to developmentdevelop or tackle with different problems instead of spending a great deal of time to find a solution finding solutions to solve them, Japen. Japan is a good example of this, with a high-ranking rank educational system because of having more old educatoreseducators in schools, who reare wiser, more knowledgeable, and well-adjustadjusted people. Thus, not only does society benefits ofbenefit from more admired and valuable people, but also the government could benefitsbenefit from having more a highhigher level of among support. On the other hand, it is often thought that the increse of more increase in elderly poplepeople in a society could grindburden the government underwith different problems. It is obvious that the more the number of the old population in a country incresesincreases, the more forcepressure will be put on the healthcare system. To clarify the point, when people get older, they probably face with various diseases such as diabetes, high blood pressure, and so on. Therefore, demand in the healthcare field incresesincreases, and this needrequires a heaveyheavy budget. The govermentgovernment, as a result, has to spend a noticeable amount of money for caringon the care of old people while this could be spent foron other industrial fields industry. Finally, in my view, both beleifsbeliefs are justifiable, but the focus should dependsdepend on the level of the country. For clarification of this, developed countriscountries can meet elderiesthe elderly's needs easily without putting forcepressure on other fields, so benefitthus benefiting from having more experienced people in their societies. Developing and underdeveloped countries, on the other hand, have to waste their limited budget forbudgets on caring for them instedinstead of spending the init on more important fields like education. In conclusion, despite people having diverse views, I beleivebelieve that developed countries could benefit from more elderly people, while this hurts thecould hurt other countriscountries.
This section presents vocabulary suggestions. Highlighted words are either too simple or are repeated more than 3 times . Please note that some suggested alternatives might require changes to other parts of the sentence.
This section presents a professionally wirtten variation of your essay and highlights the differences.
Although it is sometimes thought that increasing the number of olderly people in a society can bear a high volume of expenses the government, other people beleive that livinig in a community that have mre old people could be beneficial. In my opinion, deciding whether the existance of more old people in a society is useful or not depends on the amount of the development in country.
Although it is sometimes thought that an increasing number of elderly people in a society can impose a high financial burden on the government, others believe that living in a community with more older individuals could be beneficial. In my opinion, whether the presence of more elderly people in a society is advantageous or not depends on the level of development in the country.
On the one hand, according to some, a society could benefit of having more aged indivituals. Old people have had valuable experriences during their life, which can transfer them to the next generation. In other words, society can give a hand from the elderies to development or tackle with different problems instead of spending a great deal of time to find a solution to solve them, Japen is a good example of this, a high rank educational system because of having more old educatores in schools, who re wiser, more knowledgeable,and well-adjust people. Thus, not only society benefits of more admired and valuable people, but also the government could benefits from having more a high level of among
On the one hand, some argue that a society can benefit from having more aged individuals. Older people possess valuable experiences throughout their lives, which they can pass on to the next generation. In other words, society can leverage the wisdom of the elderly to foster development and address various challenges, rather than spending excessive time searching for solutions. Japan serves as a good example of this; it has a high-ranking educational system partly due to the presence of experienced educators in schools who are wiser, more knowledgeable, and well-rounded. Thus, not only does society benefit from having respected and valuable individuals, but the government can also gain from a higher level of expertise among its citizens.
On the other hand, it is often thought that the increse of more elderly pople in a society could grind the government under different problems. It is obvious that the more the number old population in a country increses, the more force will put on healthcare system. To clarify the point, when people get older, they probably face with various diseases such as diabetes, blood pressure and so on. Therefore, demand in healthcare field increses, and this need a heavey budget. The goverment, as a result, has to spend a noticeable money for caring of old people while this could be spent for other fields industry.
On the other hand, it is often believed that an increase in the elderly population in a society could burden the government with various challenges. It is evident that as the number of older individuals in a country rises, greater pressure is placed on the healthcare system. To clarify, as people age, they are likely to face various health issues such as diabetes and hypertension. Consequently, the demand for healthcare services increases, necessitating a substantial budget. As a result, the government must allocate significant funds to care for the elderly, which could otherwise be invested in other critical sectors.
Finally, in my view, both beleifs are justifiable, but the focus should depends on the level of country. For clarification of this, developed countris can meet elderies's needs easily without putting force on other fields, so benefit from having more experienced people in their societies. Developing and underdeveloped countries, on the other hand, have to waste their limited budget for caring them insted of spending the in more important fields like education.
In my view, both perspectives are valid, but the emphasis should depend on the country's level of development. To clarify, developed countries can meet the needs of the elderly without straining other sectors, thus benefiting from the experience and knowledge of older individuals in their societies. Conversely, developing and underdeveloped countries may struggle to allocate their limited budgets for elderly care, diverting resources from more pressing areas such as education.
In conclusion, despite people having diverse views, I beleive that developed countries could benefit more elderly people, while this hurts the other countris.
In conclusion, despite the diversity of opinions, I believe that developed countries can benefit more from an aging population, while this situation may pose challenges for other nations.
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Overall Band Score
5
Overview
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Task Achievement

  • Response to the Prompt: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of an aging population. However, the argument could be more clearly articulated. The essay attempts to weigh the benefits against the drawbacks but lacks a clear stance on whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
  • Examples and Support: The essay provides an example of Japan to support the argument about the benefits of having more elderly people. However, this example could be more detailed and better integrated into the argument. The disadvantages are also mentioned, but they lack specific examples or data to strengthen the argument.

Coherence and Cohesion

  • Organization: The essay is organized into paragraphs, each addressing a different aspect of the issue. However, the transitions between ideas and paragraphs could be smoother. The conclusion attempts to summarize the main points but could be more decisive in stating the writer's position.
  • Cohesion: There are some cohesive devices used, such as "on the one hand" and "on the other hand," but the overall flow of the essay could be improved. Some sentences are disjointed and could benefit from clearer connections to the main argument.

Lexical Resource

  • Vocabulary: The essay uses a range of vocabulary, but there are several spelling errors (e.g., "olderly," "beleive," "livinig," "mre," "existance," "indivituals," "experriences," "elderies," "educatores," "re," "increses," "heavey," "beleifs," "depends," "countris"). These errors can detract from the overall impression of the essay.
  • Word Choice: Some word choices are awkward or incorrect, such as "give a hand from the elderies" and "grind the government under different problems." More precise vocabulary would enhance clarity.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

  • Grammar: The essay contains several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues, incorrect verb forms, and sentence fragments. For example, "who re wiser" should be "who are wiser," and "a high level of among" is incomplete.
  • Sentence Structure: There is a mix of simple and complex sentences, but some complex sentences are difficult to understand due to errors. Simplifying sentence structures and ensuring each sentence is complete would improve readability.

Suggestions for Improvement

  1. Clarify the Thesis: Clearly state your position on whether the advantages of an aging population outweigh the disadvantages.
  2. Improve Cohesion: Use more cohesive devices to link ideas and paragraphs smoothly.
  3. Enhance Vocabulary: Pay attention to spelling and choose more precise words to convey your ideas effectively.
  4. Correct Grammar: Review grammar rules, especially subject-verb agreement and sentence structure, to avoid errors.
  5. Provide More Examples: Use specific examples and data to support your arguments, especially when discussing the disadvantages.

By addressing these areas, the essay can be more coherent, persuasive, and aligned with the IELTS writing criteria.