Question: In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an aging...
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Although it is sometimes thought that increasing the number of olderlyelderly people in a society can bear a high volume of expenses for the government, other people beleivebelieve that livinigliving in a community that have mrehas more old people could be beneficial. In my opinion, deciding whether the existanceexistence of more old people in a society is useful or not depends on the amountlevel of the development in a country.
On the one hand, according to some, a society could benefit offrom having more aged indivitualsindividuals. Old people have had valuable experriencesexperiences during their lifelives, which they can transfer them to the next generation. In other words, society can givereceive a hand from the elderieselderly to developmentdevelop or tackle with different problems instead of spending a great deal of time to find a solution finding solutionsto solve them, Japen. Japan is a good example of this, with a high-ranking rank educational system because of having more old educatoreseducators in schools, who reare wiser, more knowledgeable,and well-adjustadjusted people. Thus, not only does society benefits ofbenefit from more admired and valuable people, but also the government could benefitsbenefit from having more a highhigher level of amongsupport.On the other hand, it is often thought that the increse of more increase inelderly poplepeople in a society could grindburden the government underwith different problems. It is obvious thatthe more the number of the old population in a country incresesincreases, the more forcepressure will be put on the healthcare system. To clarify the point, when people get older, they probably face with various diseases such as diabetes, high blood pressure, and so on. Therefore, demand in the healthcare field incresesincreases, and this needrequires a heaveyheavy budget. The govermentgovernment, as a result, has to spend a noticeable amount of money for caringon the care of old people while this could be spent foron other industrial fields industry.
Finally, in my view, both beleifsbeliefs are justifiable, but the focus should dependsdepend on the level of the country. For clarification of this, developed countriscountries can meet elderiesthe elderly's needs easily without putting forcepressure on other fields, so benefitthus benefiting from having more experienced people in their societies. Developing and underdeveloped countries, on the other hand, have to waste their limited budget forbudgets on caring for them instedinstead of spending the init on more important fields like education.
In conclusion, despite people having diverse views, I beleivebelieve that developed countries could benefit from more elderly people, while this hurts thecould hurt other countriscountries.
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Task Achievement
Response to the Prompt: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of an aging population. However, the argument could be more clearly articulated. The essay attempts to weigh the benefits against the drawbacks but lacks a clear stance on whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
Examples and Support: The essay provides an example of Japan to support the argument about the benefits of having more elderly people. However, this example could be more detailed and better integrated into the argument. The disadvantages are also mentioned, but they lack specific examples or data to strengthen the argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Organization: The essay is organized into paragraphs, each addressing a different aspect of the issue. However, the transitions between ideas and paragraphs could be smoother. The conclusion attempts to summarize the main points but could be more decisive in stating the writer's position.
Cohesion: There are some cohesive devices used, such as "on the one hand" and "on the other hand," but the overall flow of the essay could be improved. Some sentences are disjointed and could benefit from clearer connections to the main argument.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary: The essay uses a range of vocabulary, but there are several spelling errors (e.g., "olderly," "beleive," "livinig," "mre," "existance," "indivituals," "experriences," "elderies," "educatores," "re," "increses," "heavey," "beleifs," "depends," "countris"). These errors can detract from the overall impression of the essay.
Word Choice: Some word choices are awkward or incorrect, such as "give a hand from the elderies" and "grind the government under different problems." More precise vocabulary would enhance clarity.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Grammar: The essay contains several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues, incorrect verb forms, and sentence fragments. For example, "who re wiser" should be "who are wiser," and "a high level of among" is incomplete.
Sentence Structure: There is a mix of simple and complex sentences, but some complex sentences are difficult to understand due to errors. Simplifying sentence structures and ensuring each sentence is complete would improve readability.
Suggestions for Improvement
Clarify the Thesis: Clearly state your position on whether the advantages of an aging population outweigh the disadvantages.
Improve Cohesion: Use more cohesive devices to link ideas and paragraphs smoothly.
Enhance Vocabulary: Pay attention to spelling and choose more precise words to convey your ideas effectively.
Correct Grammar: Review grammar rules, especially subject-verb agreement and sentence structure, to avoid errors.
Provide More Examples: Use specific examples and data to support your arguments, especially when discussing the disadvantages.
By addressing these areas, the essay can be more coherent, persuasive, and aligned with the IELTS writing criteria.