Question: In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an aging...
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Nowadays, people’s life spans are increasing all over the world. While many people hold the view that an aged society is caused by some difficulties, others state elderly people have several favorablefavourable aspects for countries. From my point of view, the benefits of an ageing population outweigh the drawbackdrawbacks for the reasons, which are addressed in this essay.On the one hand, many people are of the opinion that an aged society needs more medical care. Governments allocate a notablesignificant budget annually for the medical expenses of older people. Because the elderly are weaker and more vulnerable than the young, so they require more remedial services. Furthermore, most old people have worked nearly 30 years in order to have a pension in retirement time. Thus, they create extra expenses that governments are responsible for paying to them.From another angle, other people believe that an aged population leads to some positive points like the enrichment of cultural aspects of each country. Elderly people are the main portionpart of societies that pay intensive attention to culture and tradition. The young, particularly children, are influenced by their behaviorsbehaviours and advice. Therefore, old people can have a constructive impact on each country’s culture. In my opinion, as well as the abovementionedaforementioned reason, old people have preciousvaluable experience, which is very helpful for countries in all aspects including industry, economy, science, etc. Some old people have both academic and practical experience, which they can bring uppass on to a brilliant generation.By way of conclusion, whether an aged population has more advantages than a young society or not is controversial. As far as I am concerned, agingageing people have positive features and it is fantastic for each country that can take advantage of them.
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Task Achievement
Strengths: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of an aging population. It provides a clear position that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks.
Areas for Improvement: The essay could benefit from more specific examples or data to support the claims made. For instance, mentioning specific cultural contributions or economic impacts of elderly people could strengthen the argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Strengths: The essay is generally well-organized, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The use of transitional phrases like "On the one hand" and "From another angle" helps in maintaining a logical flow.
Areas for Improvement: The essay could improve coherence by ensuring that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that directly relates to the main argument. Additionally, linking sentences within paragraphs could be more explicit to enhance the flow of ideas.
Lexical Resource
Strengths: The essay uses a range of vocabulary related to the topic, such as "medical care," "pension," "cultural aspects," and "constructive impact."
Areas for Improvement: There are some awkward phrases and word choices, such as "an aged society is caused by some difficulties" and "aging people have positive features." Consider revising these for clarity and precision. Additionally, varying sentence structures could enhance the lexical resource.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Strengths: The essay demonstrates a good command of basic grammar, with mostly correct sentence structures and verb tenses.
Areas for Improvement: There are minor grammatical errors, such as "retirement time" (should be "retirement") and "aging people have positive features" (could be rephrased for clarity). Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and article usage to improve grammatical accuracy.
Overall Suggestions
Provide more specific examples or data to support your arguments.
Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and logical progression of ideas.
Revise awkward phrases for clarity and precision.
Pay attention to minor grammatical errors to enhance accuracy.
By addressing these areas, the essay can be more compelling and aligned with the IELTS writing criteria.