Question: Some people think that competition at work, at school, and in daily life is a good thing. ...
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Nowadays, there is a controversial discussion among authorities about whether a competetivecompetitive or a cooperative environment is most effective. While the first group argues that encounteringexposure to a competitive environment would be more beneficial, Thethe other group argues that cooperation between members in different communities contributecontributes to more benefits. In this essay, I will discuss both mindsets and, in my opinion, the latter group's reasoning is more justifiable.
On the one hand, some argue that competition is essential for progress. The chief reason offor their claim is that it is closely assosiatedassociated with personal growth. When people are being exposed into situations that needsrequire them to compete with their counterparts, they are encouraged to nurture their skills to exceedsexceed their rivals. For example, in a school environment, the gradegraded educational system triggers students to study harder to getachieve the best scores. As the resuta result, their knowledge and skills in academic subjects will be betterimprove. The same occuresoccurs in the workplace, when colleagues compete with each other and gain more competencies in their field to obtain the promotionpromotions.
Hence, Othersothers, including myself, argue that a cooperative environment would be worthwhile in terms of personal growth and also favour the organisation's profits. Their reasons are twofold. First and foremost, providing a cooperative situation causesfosters motivation. For all individuals working or studying in an environment whenwhere there is no rat race to prove themselves, it provides a sense of calmness which stimulatestimulates them to flourish themselves and have an effective performance. Moreover, Inin this situation, people can learn more from each other. People in an organisation, for instance, can share whatever they know, correct each others mistakeother's mistakes, and use others' experiences, all to reach the ultimate goal of the organisation.
In conclusion, while the competition, as the former group believebelieves, would be of some benefitsbenefit, I believe the advantages resultresulting from cooperation are more significant.
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Task Achievement
Response to the Prompt: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both views on competition and cooperation. It provides a clear opinion favoring cooperation, which is well-integrated into the discussion.
Position: Your position is clear and consistent throughout the essay. You favor cooperation over competition, and this is reiterated in the conclusion.
Examples and Support: The essay includes relevant examples, such as the educational grading system and workplace promotions, to support the argument for competition. However, the examples for cooperation could be more specific to strengthen the argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Structure: The essay is well-structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs discussing each viewpoint, and a conclusion.
Cohesion: Transition words and phrases like "On the one hand," "For example," and "Moreover" are used effectively to guide the reader through the arguments.
Paragraphing: Each paragraph focuses on a single idea, which helps maintain clarity and coherence.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, such as "controversial discussion," "personal growth," and "ultimate goal." However, there are some spelling errors, such as "competetive" (competitive), "assosiated" (associated), and "resut" (result).
Word Choice: Some word choices could be improved for precision, such as "encountering to a competitive environment" which could be rephrased to "being in a competitive environment."
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Sentence Structure: The essay uses a variety of sentence structures, which adds to the readability. However, there are some grammatical errors, such as "The chief reason of their claim is that it is closely assosiated with personal growth," which could be rephrased for clarity.
Grammar: There are minor grammatical errors, such as "colleagues compete each other" which should be "colleagues compete with each other."
Punctuation: Punctuation is generally used correctly, but there are some inconsistencies, such as unnecessary capitalization in "The other group" and "In this situation."
Suggestions for Improvement
Examples for Cooperation: Provide more specific examples to illustrate the benefits of cooperation, such as team projects leading to innovation or collaborative learning environments.
Spelling and Grammar: Pay attention to spelling and grammatical errors. Proofreading can help catch these mistakes.
Word Choice and Clarity: Ensure that word choices are precise and sentences are clear. Rephrasing some sentences can improve clarity and readability.
Overall, the essay effectively discusses both views and presents a clear opinion, but it could benefit from more specific examples and attention to language accuracy.