Question: In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard ...
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In the present climate, trying to accomplish achievements in life has immensely sparked a heated debate. Kids, in some nations, are frequently told that they are able to canachieve anything they desire if they try hard. This claim potentially havehas benefits and drawbacks. I, for one, believe that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
If parents tell their offspring that they can be successful if they just try, this can lead to several problems. Firstly, it may not be reasonable that justonly perseverance is considered if a child wants to be prosperous. A considerable number of jobs and tasks require special factors, and trying hard is not enough. By way of illustration, an individual who intends to become a painter should consider whether they are talented or have particular abilities, such as being creativecreativity. As axiomatic as it may sound, without the mentioned thesequalities, a child is not able to cannotbecome a professional in a career. This, in turn, might result in many negative consequences. For example, children may feel frustrated or depressed after trying hard and not reaching their goals.
On the other hand, provided that ifthe young are told that they are able to canaccomplish anything bythrough determination and perseverance, this can be beneficial in several respects. It cannot be overlooked that a significant number of accomplishments can be achieved if a person trytries really hard. For instance, a student who desires to gain admission into a favorable institute of higher education may reach their goal throughby studying hard. This might be true offor one who seeks a rewarding job with a decent salary. Consequently, this message can serve as a motivator for children, and they are able to canensure that they may satisfyachieve their dreams by trying hard.
In conclusion, I opine that this message—that children can reach their goals by being determined—might have more benefits than drawbacks. The advantages include the fact that trying can become a motivational factor for children, and the drawback is that not everything is achieved by trying.
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Feedback on Your Essay
Task Achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt effectively, discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of telling children they can achieve anything if they try hard.
The introduction clearly presents your stance (advantages outweigh disadvantages), and the conclusion reinforces this view.
However, the first body paragraph focuses more on the disadvantages, while the second emphasizes the advantages. A more balanced discussion in each paragraph would strengthen your argument.
Some points could be expanded further. For example, you mention that children may feel frustrated if they fail despite trying hard—this could be developed with an example or deeper analysis.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is logically structured, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
Transition words (e.g., "Firstly," "On the other hand," "Consequently") help guide the reader, but some sentences could be more smoothly connected.
The second body paragraph could benefit from a clearer topic sentence to introduce the advantages before diving into examples.
Lexical Resource
You use a good range of vocabulary (e.g., "perseverance," "frustrated," "motivational factor").
Some phrases could be more natural (e.g., "As axiomatic as it may sound" is overly formal; simpler phrasing like "Clearly" would work better).
A few word choices are slightly off (e.g., "this claim potentially have benefits" should be "this claim potentially has benefits").
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
There are minor grammatical errors (e.g., "a person try really hard" should be "a person tries really hard").
Some sentences are overly complex and could be simplified for clarity (e.g., "This might be true of one who seeks a rewarding job with a decent salary" could be "This also applies to someone seeking a well-paying job").
Subject-verb agreement and article usage need attention (e.g., "this claim potentially have benefits" → "this claim has benefits").
Suggestions for Improvement
Balance the Discussion – Ensure both advantages and disadvantages are given equal weight in separate paragraphs.
Clarify Examples – Some points (e.g., frustration from failure) could be expanded with real-life scenarios.
Simplify Language – Avoid overly complex phrasing where simpler words would improve readability.
Proofread for Grammar – Check for subject-verb agreement and article usage.
Overall, your essay is well-structured and addresses the prompt effectively, but refining grammar, vocabulary, and balance would enhance clarity and impact.