Question: It is important for everyone, including young people, to save money for their future.
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There has been a controversial view that claims individuals should save money for their future. While some people aredo not coincide with this standpoint, I strongly agree with those who believe that all people, especially youngestersyoungsters, should set aside money for their future for three main reasons.
Firstly, saving money can equip people with the ability to overcome challenges, as there isare a lot of things that could go wrong. While I concede that individuals, including the young, are deserve to enjoy life, preparing for dealing with financial problems is more important. Take the cost of modern hospitals as an apparent example; if people are faced with an organ failure, such as heart, lung, and kidney failure, they would hvaehave to pay a considerable sums for transpalenttransplant. UnfortunantlyUnfortunately, these patients cannot resume a normal life if they havedo not have adequate saivingssavings.
Secondly, I believe that youngestersyoungsters should save money for their future, when they want to stablishestablish their own business. It could be argued that people should live in the moment; however, I firmly believe that if the young diddo not save adequate money for their future, they would not be able to set up their own business and would have to work for someone else. Launching a business requires an enough investigation, but saving money can provide young people with the opportunity to afford this ependitureexpenditure.
Finally, having a confortablecomfortable living condition in the period of retirement is another reason. I believe that the most significant reason for saving money for people and youngestersyoungsters is preparing for their retirement. Unquestionably, most retiresretirees do not have the abiliyability to work more for meetingto meet their needs. Consequently, if people set aside adequate money for that time, they would be able to afford their necessities.
In conclusion, although some people assert that individuals should live in the moment, and it is not nessesarynecessary to save maneymoney, I firmly agree with those who believe that all individuals,,, including the young, should save money for stablishingestablishing a business and overcoming problems in the future.
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Task Achievement
Response to the Prompt: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by clearly stating a position in favor of saving money for the future. The writer provides three main reasons to support this stance: overcoming challenges, establishing a business, and ensuring a comfortable retirement.
Development of Ideas: Each reason is developed with examples and explanations, although some points could benefit from further elaboration. For instance, the discussion on starting a business could include more specific examples or statistics to strengthen the argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Organization: The essay is well-organized with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph focuses on a single main idea, contributing to the overall coherence.
Cohesive Devices: The use of cohesive devices such as "Firstly," "Secondly," and "Finally" helps guide the reader through the arguments. However, some transitions between sentences could be smoother to enhance the flow of ideas.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with some attempts at using more advanced words like "transplant" and "retirement." However, there are several spelling errors (e.g., "coincide," "youngesters," "stablish," "confortable," "abiliy," "nessesary," "maney") that detract from the overall impression.
Word Choice: Some word choices are awkward or incorrect, such as "coincide" instead of "agree," and "stablish" instead of "establish." Careful proofreading could help correct these issues.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Sentence Structure: The essay includes a variety of sentence structures, which adds complexity to the writing. However, there are several grammatical errors that need attention, such as "are deserve" instead of "deserve," and "an enough investigation" instead of "enough investigation."
Grammar: There are frequent errors in subject-verb agreement, article usage, and verb forms. For example, "a considerable sums" should be "a considerable sum," and "have not adequate saivings" should be "do not have adequate savings."
Suggestions for Improvement
Proofreading: Carefully proofread the essay to correct spelling and grammatical errors. This will improve clarity and professionalism.
Elaboration: Provide more detailed examples or evidence to support each main point, particularly in the discussion about starting a business.
Transitions: Work on smoother transitions between sentences and ideas to enhance the overall flow of the essay.
Vocabulary: Expand vocabulary usage and ensure correct word choice to convey ideas more precisely.
By addressing these areas, the essay can be improved to better meet the IELTS writing criteria.