Question: In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard ...
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Recently, the phenomenon of hard work achievement has triggered a heated debate among people and individuals. Although some emphasise the positivesbenefits of hard work, others consider the negatives ofnegative effects on children's attention to be significant. In this essay, after considering both arguments, I will delve into explorethe potential advantages and drawbacks.
From a social standpointperspective, hard work achievement can provide society with noticeable effects that are rooted in stem fromthe fact that its merits, as well as the advantagesbenefits of making design, are crucial. AsIn my own experimentexperience, when I was a student, I conducted academic experiments that discoveredrevealed the benefits of making designs designfor children. Thus, the social influences on children's attitudes, are visibleevident.
On the other hand, from a financial point of viewperspective, the reality of hard work achievements could play a pivotal role in ramificationsconsequences and outcomes like inflation and taxes. As a tangibleconcrete example, some academic research undertakenconducted by prestigious universities described the role of children in making designs designand provided essential essays with prose on the internet. Hence, the ramificationconsequences of tryingworking hard enough work is areremarkable.
In conclusion, there are several compelling arguments on both sides. Nevertheless, I firmly believe that the advantagesbenefits of tryingworking hard enough work outweigh the drawbacks. Not only do the advantages provedemonstrate the significance of children's community, but they also pinpointhighlight possible implications.
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Feedback on Your Essay
Task Achievement
Your essay does not fully address the prompt. The question asks about the advantages and disadvantages of telling children they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. However, your response discusses "hard work achievement" in vague terms without clearly linking it to the message given to children.
The examples provided (e.g., "making designs for children," "inflation and taxes") are unclear and do not directly support the advantages or disadvantages of the message.
The conclusion is abrupt and does not summarize the key points effectively.
Suggestions:
Clearly define the message ("you can achieve anything if you try hard enough") and discuss its direct impact on children.
Provide specific, relevant examples (e.g., motivation vs. unrealistic expectations).
Ensure the conclusion restates the main points concisely.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay lacks logical flow. The ideas jump from "social standpoint" to "financial point of view" without clear transitions.
Some sentences are confusing (e.g., "its merits, as well as the advantages of making design, are crucial").
The introduction and conclusion are weak, failing to frame the discussion properly.
Suggestions:
Use clear topic sentences for each paragraph (e.g., "One advantage is that this message motivates children to pursue their goals.").
Improve transitions between ideas (e.g., "However, there are also drawbacks to this mindset.").
Avoid vague phrasing—be direct and precise.
Lexical Resource
Some word choices are unnatural or incorrect (e.g., "hard work achievement," "ramifications and outcomes like inflation and taxes").
Repetition of phrases like "hard work achievement" makes the essay sound awkward.
Suggestions:
Use more natural phrasing (e.g., "the belief that hard work leads to success").
Expand vocabulary with synonyms (e.g., "benefits" vs. "advantages," "drawbacks" vs. "disadvantages").
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
There are grammatical errors (e.g., "its merits, as well as the advantages of making design, are crucial" – missing article before "design").
Sentence structure is sometimes unclear (e.g., "the social influences on children's attitudes, are visible" – unnecessary comma).
Suggestions:
Review subject-verb agreement and article usage.
Simplify complex sentences to improve clarity.
Overall Recommendations
Focus on the prompt—discuss how telling children they can achieve anything through effort affects them (e.g., motivation vs. pressure).
Use clear, relevant examples (e.g., children developing resilience vs. feeling like failures when they don’t succeed).
Improve coherence with better paragraph structure and transitions.
Revise grammar and word choice for clarity and accuracy.
A stronger essay would directly address the message's impact on children, provide clear examples, and maintain a logical structure. Keep practicing!