Question: In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard ...
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Some cultures encourage children to work hard and by hardworkingworking hard they can gain everything they want. InOn the other hand, some other cultures don't think in such a way.
The advantages and disadvantages of both ideas will be discussed. For example, the advantages of this idea about working hard can prepare children more for the future and they will be independent when they grow up. Indeed, the society needs strong people because every body everybodyshould prepare himself/herselfthemselves for living in the society, so it is better to prepare our children for the future and this opinion will help children to be more strong strongerand more independent. Childhood will pass soon, thus parents have a vital role to teachin teaching their children to gain self-confidentconfidence. It is obviouseobvious that by hardworkingworking hard you don't need others for fianacialfinancial issues, so you will have more self-confidentconfidence, but inon the other hand, it has some disadvantegesdisadvantages because this idea makemakes children far away from childhood. As you know, a child should play and be happy because this time plays a crucial role in adulthood. When children involveare involved in subjects which they relate to adulthood, it can cause anxiety and frigtheningfright in the future and they can not cannotfeel joy and happiness,; in addition, it brings stress and disappointment for their future life. theseThese children will experience the problems and issues of adulthood sooner than others.
Totally, childhood—I mean one to seven years old children —can influence on their whole life and if perantsparents don't pay attention to this golden time, they will regret it in the future.
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Feedback on Your Essay
Task Achievement
Strengths: You addressed the prompt by discussing both advantages and disadvantages of telling children they can achieve anything through hard work. Your ideas are relevant, and you provided examples to support your points.
Areas for Improvement:
Some points are unclear or underdeveloped. For example, the link between hard work and financial independence needs more explanation.
The conclusion is abrupt and could better summarize the key points.
Avoid vague statements like "some other cultures don't think in such a way"—be more specific.
Coherence and Cohesion
Strengths: You structured your essay with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Some logical connections are present (e.g., "Indeed, the society needs strong people...").
Areas for Improvement:
The flow between ideas is sometimes unclear. Use more linking words (e.g., "On the other hand," "Furthermore," "However") to improve transitions.
Some sentences are too long and confusing (e.g., "When children involve in subjects which they relate to adulthood can cause anxiety and frigthening in future..."). Break them into shorter, clearer sentences.
Lexical Resource (Vocabulary)
Strengths: You use some appropriate vocabulary (e.g., "self-confident," "crucial role," "disappointment").
Areas for Improvement:
Some words are misspelled ("fianacial" → "financial," "frigthening" → "frightening").
Avoid informal phrasing ("it is obviouse" → "it is obvious").
Repetition of words like "hardworking" can be reduced by using synonyms ("perseverance," "effort").
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Strengths: You attempt complex sentences, and some grammar is correct.
Areas for Improvement:
Subject-verb agreement errors ("this idea make children" → "this idea makes children").
Incorrect word forms ("self-confident" → "self-confidence").
Article errors ("the society" → "society").
Unnatural phrasing ("Childhood will pass soon" → "Childhood passes quickly").
Suggestions for Improvement
Clarify and Expand Ideas: Explain how hard work leads to independence and why childhood happiness is important.
Improve Sentence Structure: Use shorter sentences and correct grammar.
Use More Precise Vocabulary: Avoid repetition and check spelling.
Strengthen Cohesion: Add transition words to guide the reader.
With more practice in organizing ideas and refining grammar/vocabulary, your writing will improve significantly. Keep working on clarity and precision!