Feedback on Your Essay

Task Achievement

Your essay addresses the prompt and presents both views, though the discussion of the first view (accepting a bad situation) is somewhat underdeveloped. The second view (trying to improve the situation) is explained more thoroughly with an example, which strengthens your argument. However, the first perspective could benefit from a clearer explanation of why some people might choose to accept a bad situation (e.g., stability, fear of change, or lack of alternatives).

Your opinion is clearly stated, but the conclusion could be more balanced. Instead of dismissing patience entirely, you could acknowledge that in some cases, short-term acceptance might be necessary before making improvements.

Coherence and Cohesion

The essay has a logical structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing each view, and a conclusion. However, some transitions between ideas could be smoother. For example:

• The first body paragraph jumps from discussing company bankruptcy to personal financial struggles without a clear link.
• The second body paragraph flows better but could use a stronger transition phrase (e.g., "In contrast, those who actively seek improvement...").

Additionally, some sentences are overly long and could be broken up for clarity (e.g., "When he gets older and faces difficulties, he might live in a state that does not even have enough budget to provide medical healthcare.").

Lexical Resource

Your vocabulary is generally appropriate, but there are some awkward or unnatural word choices:

• "Merit to live in a better situation" → "Duty/Responsibility to improve their situation"
• "Miserable conditions" → "Unfavorable circumstances" (less extreme)
• "Allocate a separate budget" → "Set aside savings" (more natural)

Some phrases could be more precise:

• "Spend all their youth on something that is not valuable" → "Waste their prime years in an unfulfilling job"
• "Enjoys his work condition" → "Finds job satisfaction"

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

There are several grammatical errors that affect clarity:

• Subject-verb agreement: "When a company goes bankrupt, almost all their employees decide to resign" → "its employees decide" (company is singular).
• Pronoun consistency: "He might spend all their youth" → "his youth" (stick to singular or plural).
• Article usage: "A shortage of salary" → "A salary shortage" (more natural).
• Tense shifts: "He might live in a state that does not even have enough budget" → "may not have" (consistent hypothetical tone).

Some sentences are unclear due to structure:

• "When an individual encounters bad conditions, he might decide something logical for their future" → "When facing adversity, one should make rational decisions for the future."

Suggestions for Improvement

1. Balance the discussion – Give equal weight to both perspectives before stating your opinion.
2. Clarify transitions – Use linking words (e.g., "On the contrary," "Nevertheless") to improve flow.
3. Refine word choice – Avoid overly dramatic terms ("miserable") and opt for neutral, academic language.
4. Proofread for grammar – Check subject-verb agreement, pronoun consistency, and article usage.

Overall, your essay presents a clear stance but would benefit from more balanced analysis and tighter language control. Keep practicing!