Question: It is important for everyone, including young people, to save money for their future.
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In modern times, deposit and money management are one of the important skills for every one everyone,including young people, to secure rheirtheir future. Some people argue that peopleindividuals should learn to live in the moment and enjoy it with out withoutjust thinking about the future. WhileMeanwhile, some other people othersbelieve that saving money can giveinstil discipline in the personal and prefesionalprofessional lives of young people. I agree to some extantsextent with the latter viewpoint, and in this essay, I will support my opinion with examples.
From one perspective, it is argued by some that saving money and thinking about the future can cause losing nowone to lose out on the present, because if people tend to just thinkethink about the future and save monymoney for it, they can become anxious. As a result, people, specialy especially the youngest, should learn how to live in the moment. A resentrecent study conducted by Cambridge universityUniversity shows that when people are futuristic and save money for catastrophic incedentsincidents, their brinebrain starts the stress metabolic process in humen bodyshuman bodies that can cause several reaction onreactions in people's cell speciallycells; especially, it can increase the risk of cardiovascular disease, as a consequent. Consequently, it not only can cause anxiousness, but also can incraseincrease the risk of several biological diseases.
On the flip side, many people holedhold the view that despositdeposit and monymoney management arehave significant effects on the future of peopleindividuals, because these skills can giveinstil discipline toin young people, which havehas undeniable roles in their success. Meanwhile, saving monymoney for the future can help them to deal with unpredictable incident in futureincidents. As a result, these skills can increase the probability of their success and givesprovide them with a safesecure future. A tangible example of this is Japan, where the governments havegovernment has invested on thichingin teaching young people about money management and increasing their awerness aboutawareness of the considerable effects of it inon their future success. Consequently, so a growing number of japanesesJapanese have remarkebelremarkable discipline in their personal and prefesionalprofessional lives.
All things considered, dispetdespite the fact that being futuristic and savesaving money for it can increase peoplespeople's stress levellevels, it has a substantial roles on peoplesrole in people's success with the improvement of their disciblinediscipline. PersonalyPersonally, I agree with the saving money, but if poplepeople can managementmanage their stresestress, which becamearises from being futuristic, saving money can have significant benefitbenefits for them.
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Task Achievement
Response to the Prompt: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument regarding the importance of saving money for the future. However, the position could be more clearly stated at the beginning and consistently throughout the essay.
Examples and Support: The essay provides examples, such as the study from Cambridge University and the case of Japan, to support the arguments. These examples are relevant but could be more detailed to strengthen the argument further.
Coherence and Cohesion
Structure and Organization: The essay is organized into clear paragraphs, each focusing on a different aspect of the argument. However, the transitions between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing the negative effects of saving to the positive aspects could be more clearly signposted.
Logical Flow: The essay generally follows a logical progression, but some sentences could be better connected to enhance the flow of ideas.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary: The essay uses a range of vocabulary related to the topic, such as "money management," "discipline," and "futuristic." However, there are several spelling errors (e.g., "rheir," "prefesional," "incedents") that detract from the overall impression.
Word Choice: Some word choices are awkward or incorrect, such as "brine" instead of "brain" and "thiching" instead of "teaching." These errors can confuse the reader and should be corrected.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Sentence Structure: The essay includes a variety of sentence structures, but there are frequent grammatical errors that affect clarity. For example, "A resent study conducted by Cambridge university shows that when people are futuristic and save money for catastrophic incedents, their brine starts the stress metabolic in humen bodys that can cause several reaction on people's cell specially it can increase risk of cardiovascular disease."
Grammar and Punctuation: There are numerous grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement issues, incorrect verb forms, and punctuation mistakes. These errors need to be addressed to improve the readability of the essay.
Suggestions for Improvement
Clarify Position: Clearly state your position in the introduction and ensure it is consistently supported throughout the essay.
Improve Transitions: Use transitional phrases to better connect ideas and paragraphs, enhancing the overall coherence of the essay.
Correct Spelling and Grammar: Carefully proofread the essay to correct spelling and grammatical errors. Consider using grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from others.
Expand Examples: Provide more detailed examples and explanations to support your arguments, making them more convincing.
Enhance Vocabulary: Work on expanding your vocabulary and using words accurately to convey your ideas more effectively.