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Question: Some people think that competition at work, at school, and in daily life is a good thing. ...

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There is a segment of society who believes that competing in life routineroutines is positive, while others think that helping each other is more beneficial. I align my self myself with the latter statement. People have always been competing with each other in different areas. There are several factors responsible for why they like competition. Firstly, they compare themselves with their classmates or co-workers, which leads them to try moreharder and fall ininto the trap of competition. Moreover, they might suffer from mental health issues that may appear as unsatisfiancydissatisfaction. Again, they may feel better if they compete with others and withengage in those battles. But I believe this kind of competition may have many affectseffects on their lives. They may not enjoy their lives until they get what they want, which I think is so cruel for their mental wellbeingwell-being. Furthermore, their personal lives isare going to be affected after they spentspend their days in competitions. On the other hand, there are people who argue that cooperating is a better way than competing. If we teach our children to have a companypartner in any task that they are supposed to do, consequently they will learn how to help each other and get better results. Recent studies showed that athletes whomwho are participating in group sports, are better inat solving problems and are less likely to suffer from anxiety and depression. Indeed, being a part of a team results in experiencing empathy, happiness, and sadness all together. Conversely, exposing your self in yourself to competition for a long period may consequencesresult in anger and frustration. In conclusion, although individuals have always tried to be the best version of themselves, it is better to abandon this behaviour and try to cooperate.
This section presents vocabulary suggestions. Highlighted words are either too simple or are repeated more than 3 times . Please note that some suggested alternatives might require changes to other parts of the sentence.
This section presents a professionally wirtten variation of your essay and highlights the differences.
There is a segment of society who believes that competing in life routine is positive, while others think that helping each other is more beneficial. I align my self with latter statement.
There is a segment of society that believes that competition in daily life is positive, while others argue that helping one another is more beneficial. I align myself with the latter perspective.
People have always been competing with each other in different areas. There are several factors responsible for why they like competition. Firstly, they compare themselves with their classmates or co-workers, which leads them to try more and fall in the trap of competition. Moreover, they might suffer from mental health issues that may appear as unsatisfiancy. Again, they may feel better if they compete with others and with those battles. But I believe this kind of competition may have many affects on their lives. They may not enjoy their lives until they get what they want, which I think is so cruel for their mental wellbeing. Furthermore, their personal lives is going to be affected after they spent their days in competitions.
People have always competed with each other in various areas. Several factors contribute to this inclination towards competition. Firstly, individuals often compare themselves with their classmates or co-workers, which drives them to strive harder and fall into the trap of competition. Moreover, they may experience mental health issues stemming from feelings of dissatisfaction. They might feel a sense of accomplishment through competition, but I believe this kind of rivalry can have detrimental effects on their lives. They may not enjoy their lives until they achieve their goals, which I consider detrimental to their mental well-being. Furthermore, their personal lives can suffer as they spend their days focused on competition.
On the other hand, there are people who argue that cooperating is a better way than competing. If we teach our children to have a company in any task that they supposed to do, consequently they will learn how to help each other and get better results. Recent studies showed that athletes whom are participating in group sports, are better in solving problems and are less likely to suffer from anxiety and depression. Indeed being a part of team results in experiencing empathy, happiness and sadness all together. Conversely, exposing your self in competition for a long period may consequences in anger and frustration.
On the other hand, some argue that cooperation is a more effective approach than competition. If we teach our children to collaborate on tasks they are assigned, they will learn the value of helping one another and achieve better results. Recent studies have shown that athletes who participate in team sports are better at problem-solving and are less likely to suffer from anxiety and depression. Indeed, being part of a team fosters experiences of empathy, joy, and shared challenges. Conversely, prolonged exposure to competition can lead to feelings of anger and frustration.
In conclusion, although individuals have always tried to be the best version of themselves, it is better to abandon this behaviour and try to cooperate.
In conclusion, although individuals have always sought to be the best versions of themselves, it is more beneficial to abandon this competitive mindset in favor of cooperation.
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Overall Band Score
6.5
Overview
Vocabulary Range
average
Linking Words
average
Spelling
weak
Grammar Accuracy
weak
Grammar Range
average
Cohesion
average
Paragraph Structure
average
Task Response
average
Word Count
sufficient
While we are confident in our score estimation, you are not guaranteed to receive the same score in an official test.

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Task Achievement

  • Response to the Prompt: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both views on competition and cooperation. However, the opinion is not clearly stated until the conclusion. It would be beneficial to explicitly state your opinion earlier in the essay.
  • Development of Ideas: The essay provides reasons for both competition and cooperation but could benefit from more specific examples or evidence to support the claims, particularly in the section discussing the benefits of cooperation.

Coherence and Cohesion

  • Organization: The essay is organized into clear paragraphs, each focusing on a different aspect of the discussion. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. For instance, using linking words or phrases to connect the paragraphs would enhance the flow.
  • Cohesion: Some sentences could be better connected. For example, the transition from discussing mental health issues to the impact on personal lives could be more logically linked.

Lexical Resource

  • Vocabulary: The vocabulary used is generally appropriate, but there are some inaccuracies, such as "unsatisfiancy" which should be "dissatisfaction," and "consequences in anger" which should be "result in anger."
  • Variety: There is a reasonable range of vocabulary, but further variety and precision in word choice would improve the essay.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

  • Sentence Structure: The essay contains a mix of simple and complex sentences. However, some sentences are awkwardly constructed, such as "Again, they may feel better if they compete with others and with those battles."
  • Grammar: There are several grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues ("their personal lives is going to be affected") and incorrect prepositions ("competing in life routine").
  • Punctuation: Punctuation is generally correct, but there are instances where commas could improve readability.

Suggestions for Improvement

  1. Clarify Opinion: Clearly state your opinion in the introduction and reinforce it throughout the essay.
  2. Provide Examples: Use specific examples or evidence to support your points, particularly when discussing the benefits of cooperation.
  3. Improve Transitions: Use linking words and phrases to improve the flow between paragraphs and ideas.
  4. Enhance Vocabulary: Work on expanding your vocabulary and using more precise language.
  5. Review Grammar: Pay attention to grammatical accuracy, particularly with subject-verb agreement and prepositions. Consider revising awkward sentence structures for clarity.