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Question: In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard ...

Click on red question marks (?) to see an explanation for each change. Some changes are only suggestions and don't mean the original is necessarily wrong.
In some special regions, a common belief is told to children that they are capable of doing anything by trying hard. There are some benefits to this message which lead them to have a meaningful life; however, the disappointed child without a plan is one of the most crucial drawbacks. On the one hand, in some societysocieties, most parents, teachers, and principals strive to engrave a slogan or message in children’s minds, so they will always remember that anything is achievable for them if they push themselves enough. In fact, there are various advantages, with having motivation being the greatest merit. In this way, children have strong passions to continue to do rough doing difficult tasks and they feel their work and duties are valuable. Moreover, they understand planning makes a significant contribution to this belief, and through this, they also learn other essential lessons, such as decision -making, which are the keys to being successful success in their life. On the other hand, this trend could cause serious problems, too. The most important one will happen in their adolescence, when they cannot accept any failure because, in their childhood, they were told they can achieve anything if they endeavor. This also has a detrimental effect on their mental health, likesuch as causing depression. Secondly, if children do not achieve their goals by trying hard, the feeling of inadequacy and unworthiness will arise in them; thus, as adults, they never experience satisfaction in their life, or even in their workplace, and their well-being will undergo major influencesimpacts. Finally, these children might target something completely imaginary or unreal. For example, being a superhero with magical powers. In conclusion, while in some communities children are encouraged to try harder in order to achieve their aims, this trend has both special privileges, like learning to plan, and being highly ambitious to continue their tasks, and destructive drawbacks on their mental health and well-being, such as feelings of depression and unworthiness. In my view, these disadvantages outweigh the advantages; therefore, children should not encounterface this situation byfrom their parents.
This section presents vocabulary suggestions. Highlighted words are either too simple or are repeated more than 3 times . Please note that some suggested alternatives might require changes to other parts of the sentence.
This section presents a professionally wirtten variation of your essay and highlights the differences.
In some special regions, a common belief is told to children that they are capable of doing anything by trying hard. There are some benefits to this message which lead them to have a meaningful life; however, the disappointed child without a plan is one of the most crucial drawbacks.
In some regions, a common belief instilled in children is that they can achieve anything through hard work. While this message offers certain benefits that may lead to a meaningful life, it also carries significant drawbacks, particularly the potential for disappointment when children lack proper guidance.
On the one hand, in some society, most parents, teachers, and principals strive to engrave a slogan or message in children’s minds, so they will always remember that anything is achievable for them if they push themselves enough. In fact, there are various advantages, with having motivation being the greatest merit. In this way, children have strong passions to continue to do rough tasks and they feel their work and duties are valuable. Moreover, they understand planning makes a significant contribution to this belief, and through this, they also learn other essential lessons, such as decision making, which are the keys to being successful in their life.
On the one hand, many parents, teachers, and school administrators emphasize the idea that perseverance leads to success. The greatest advantage of this belief is the motivation it provides. Children develop strong determination to tackle difficult tasks and perceive their efforts as valuable. Additionally, they learn the importance of planning, decision-making, and other essential skills that contribute to long-term success.
On the other hand, this trend could cause serious problems, too. The most important one will happen in their adolescence, when they cannot accept any failure because, in their childhood, they were told they can achieve anything if they endeavor. This also has a detrimental effect on their mental health, like causing depression. Secondly, if children do not achieve their goals by trying hard, the feeling of inadequacy and unworthiness will arise in them; thus, as adults, they never experience satisfaction in their life, or even in their workplace, and their well-being will undergo major influences. Finally, these children might target something completely imaginary or unreal. For example, being a superhero with magical powers.
On the other hand, this mindset can also create serious issues. The most significant problem arises in adolescence, when children who were raised with this belief struggle to accept failure, having been told that effort alone guarantees success. This can negatively impact their mental health, potentially leading to depression. Furthermore, if children repeatedly fail despite their efforts, they may develop feelings of inadequacy, which can persist into adulthood, affecting their career satisfaction and overall well-being. Lastly, some children may pursue unrealistic goals, such as aspiring to possess supernatural abilities, setting themselves up for inevitable disappointment.
In conclusion, while in some communities children are encouraged to try harder in order to achieve their aims, this trend has both special privileges, like learning to plan, and being highly ambitious to continue their tasks, and destructive drawbacks on their mental health and well-being, such as feelings of depression and unworthiness. In my view, these disadvantages outweigh the advantages; therefore, children should not encounter this situation by their parents.
In conclusion, while encouraging children to work hard can foster ambition and teach valuable skills, the potential harm to their mental health—such as depression and a sense of worthlessness—outweighs the benefits. Therefore, parents should avoid promoting this belief without also preparing children for the possibility of failure.
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Overall Band Score
6.5
Overview
Vocabulary Range
strong
Linking Words
average
Spelling
strong
Grammar Accuracy
average
Grammar Range
strong
Cohesion
average
Paragraph Structure
strong
Task Response
strong
Word Count
sufficient
While we are confident in our score estimation, you are not guaranteed to receive the same score in an official test.

Feedback on the Essay:

Task Achievement

  • The essay addresses the prompt effectively, discussing both advantages and disadvantages of telling children they can achieve anything through hard work.
  • The response is well-developed, with clear examples and explanations for both sides of the argument.
  • The conclusion provides a balanced summary and a personal opinion, which is appropriate.
  • Areas for improvement:
    • Some points could be more concise. For example, the introduction could be slightly shorter while still maintaining clarity.
    • The conclusion could better reinforce the main points without repeating them verbatim.

Coherence and Cohesion

  • The essay is logically structured, with clear paragraphing (introduction, advantages, disadvantages, conclusion).
  • Transition words and phrases (e.g., "On the one hand," "Moreover," "On the other hand," "In conclusion") help guide the reader.
  • Areas for improvement:
    • Some sentences are overly long and could be broken down for better readability (e.g., the first sentence of the second body paragraph).
    • A few ideas could be more smoothly connected (e.g., the shift from discussing motivation to planning in the second paragraph feels slightly abrupt).

Lexical Resource

  • The vocabulary is varied and generally appropriate (e.g., "engrave a slogan," "detrimental effect," "feelings of inadequacy").
  • Some less common words are used effectively (e.g., "endeavor," "unworthiness").
  • Areas for improvement:
    • A few word choices are awkward or unclear (e.g., "special regions" in the introduction could be "certain cultures"; "special privileges" in the conclusion should be "significant benefits").
    • Some phrasing is repetitive (e.g., "try hard" and "try harder" appear multiple times; synonyms like "persist" or "put in effort" could be used).

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

  • The grammar is mostly accurate, with a mix of simple and complex structures.
  • Some minor errors affect clarity (e.g., "the disappointed child without a plan" should be "children who fail without a plan"; "this trend could cause serious problems, too" could be "this message can also have serious drawbacks").
  • Areas for improvement:
    • Watch for subject-verb agreement (e.g., "a common belief is told" should be "children are often told").
    • Some sentences could be more concise (e.g., "the feeling of inadequacy and unworthiness will arise in them" could be "they may feel inadequate and unworthy").

Overall Suggestions for Improvement

  1. Refine word choice – Replace vague or repetitive phrases with more precise language.
  2. Shorten complex sentences – Break down overly long sentences for better clarity.
  3. Ensure smooth transitions – Improve the flow between ideas within paragraphs.
  4. Proofread for minor errors – Check for small grammatical and phrasing issues.

The essay is strong in content and structure but would benefit from polishing in terms of conciseness and precision. Keep practicing varied sentence structures and vocabulary to enhance fluency.