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Question: In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard ...

Click on red question marks (?) to see an explanation for each change. Some changes are only suggestions and don't mean the original is necessarily wrong.
In some special regions, a common belief is told to children that they are capable of doing anything by trying hard. There are some benefits in this message which lead them to have a meaningful life, however the disappointed child without noany plan is one of the most crucial drawbacks. On the one hand, in some societysocieties, most parents, teachers, and principals strive to engrave a slogan or message in children’s mindminds, so the they will always remember that anything is achievable for them if they push themselves enough. In fact, there are various advantages, of which having a motivation is the greatest merit. In this way, children have strong passions to continue to do rough doing tough tasks and they feel their workswork and duties are valuable. Moreover, they understand planning makemakes a significant contribution into this belief, and through this, they also learn other essential lessenslessons, such as decision -making, which are the keys to bebeing successful in their life. On the other hand, this trend would cause serious problems, too. The most important one will happen in their adolescencesadolescence, when they could not cannot accept any failure because, in their childhood, they were told they can achieve anything that if they endeavor. This also has a detrimental effect on their mental health, likesuch as causing depression. Secondly, if children do not achieve their goals by trying hard, the feeling of inadequacy and unworthiness will arise in them; thus, as adults, they never experience satisfaction in their life, or even in their work placeworkplace, and their well-being will undergo major influences. Finally, these children might target something completely imaginary or unreal. For example, being a superhero with magical powerpowers. In conclusion, while in some communitycommunities children are encourageencouraged to try harder in order to achieve their aims, this trend has both special privileges, like learning to plan, and being highly ambitious to continue their tasks, and destructive drawbacks on their mental health and well-being, such as feelingfeelings of depression and unworthiness. In my view, these disadvantages drawbackoutweigh the advantages, therefore children should not encounterbe exposed to this situation by their parents.
This section presents vocabulary suggestions. Highlighted words are either too simple or are repeated more than 3 times . Please note that some suggested alternatives might require changes to other parts of the sentence.
This section presents a professionally wirtten variation of your essay and highlights the differences.
In some special regions, a common belief is told to children that they are capable of doing anything by trying hard. There are some benefits in this message which lead them to have a meaningful life, however the disappointed child without no plan is one of the most crucial drawbacks.
In some regions, a common belief instilled in children is that they can achieve anything through hard work. While this message has benefits that can lead to a meaningful life, the potential for disappointment in children without proper guidance is a significant drawback.
On the one hand, in some society, most parents, teachers, and principals strive to engrave a slogan or message in children’s mind, so the they will always remember that anything is achievable for them if they push themselves enough. In fact, there are various advantages, which having a motivation is the greatest merit. In this way, children have strong passions to continue to do rough tasks and they feel their works and duties are valuable. Moreover, they understand planning make a significant contribution in this belief, and through this, they also learn other essential lessens, such as decision making, which are the keys to be successful in their life.
On the one hand, in some societies, parents, teachers, and school leaders strive to reinforce the idea that anything is achievable with enough effort. The greatest advantage of this belief is that it fosters motivation. Children develop strong determination to persevere through difficult tasks and feel that their efforts are valuable. Additionally, they learn the importance of planning, which plays a crucial role in this mindset. Through this, they also acquire other essential skills, such as decision-making, which are key to success in life.
On the other hand, this trend would cause serious problems, too. The most important one will happen in their adolescences, when they could not accept any failure because, in their childhood, they were told they can achieve anything that if they endeavor. This also has a detrimental effect on their mental health, like causing depression. Secondly, if children do not achieve their goals by trying hard, the feeling of inadequacy and unworthiness will arise in them; thus, as adults, they never experience satisfaction in their life, or even in their work place, and their well-being will undergo major influences. Finally, these children might target something completely imaginary or unreal. For example, being a superhero with magical power.
On the other hand, this mindset can also lead to serious issues. The most significant problem arises during adolescence, when individuals may struggle to accept failure, having been told in childhood that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. This can negatively impact their mental health, potentially leading to depression. Furthermore, if children fail to reach their goals despite their efforts, they may develop feelings of inadequacy and low self-worth. As adults, they might never experience satisfaction in their personal or professional lives, significantly affecting their well-being. Lastly, some children may pursue unrealistic or unattainable goals, such as aspiring to possess supernatural abilities.
In conclusion, while in some community children are encourage to try harder in order to achieve their aims, this trend has both special privileges, like learning to plan, and being highly ambitious to continue their tasks, and destructive drawbacks on their mental health and well-being, such as feeling of depression and unworthiness. In my view, these disadvantages drawback the advantages, therefore children should not encounter this situation by their parents.
In conclusion, while encouraging children to work hard to achieve their goals has certain advantages—such as teaching planning skills and fostering ambition—it also carries serious risks, including negative effects on mental health and self-esteem. In my opinion, the disadvantages outweigh the benefits, so parents should avoid imposing this belief on their children without proper guidance.
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Overall Band Score
5.5
Overview
Vocabulary Range
average
Linking Words
average
Spelling
weak
Grammar Accuracy
average
Grammar Range
average
Cohesion
average
Paragraph Structure
average
Task Response
strong
Word Count
sufficient
While we are confident in our score estimation, you are not guaranteed to receive the same score in an official test.

Feedback on Your Essay:

Task Achievement:

  • Your essay addresses the prompt and presents both advantages and disadvantages of telling children they can achieve anything through hard work.
  • The ideas are relevant, but some points could be developed further for clarity. For example, the advantages (motivation, planning, decision-making) are mentioned but not deeply explored.
  • The conclusion summarizes the main points but could be more balanced. Avoid phrases like "these disadvantages drawback the advantages," as they weaken the argument.

Coherence and Cohesion:

  • The essay has a logical structure (introduction, body paragraphs for advantages and disadvantages, and a conclusion).
  • However, some sentences are awkwardly phrased, making the flow less smooth (e.g., "In some special regions," "the they will always remember").
  • Transition words are used, but some are incorrect or unnecessary (e.g., "too" in "this trend would cause serious problems, too").
  • Paragraphing is mostly clear, but some ideas within paragraphs could be better connected.

Lexical Resource:

  • There is a good range of vocabulary (e.g., "engrave a slogan," "detrimental effect," "feeling of inadequacy").
  • Some word choices are unnatural or incorrect (e.g., "special regions," "lessens" instead of "lessons," "privileges" instead of "benefits").
  • Avoid informal phrasing like "rough tasks" (use "challenging tasks").
  • Minor spelling errors: "lessens" (lessons), "drawback" (outweigh), "encourage" (encouraged).

Grammatical Range and Accuracy:

  • There are several grammatical errors that affect clarity:
    • Subject-verb agreement: "some society" (should be "some societies").
    • Article misuse: "the they will always remember" (remove "the").
    • Incorrect phrasing: "planning make a significant contribution" (should be "planning makes").
    • Tense inconsistency: "children are encourage" (should be "are encouraged").
  • Some sentences are overly complex and confusing (e.g., "the disappointed child without no plan is one of the most crucial drawbacks").
  • Work on sentence structure to improve readability.

Suggestions for Improvement:

  1. Clarify Ideas: Expand on advantages and disadvantages with clear examples.
  2. Improve Grammar: Review subject-verb agreement, articles, and sentence structure.
  3. Refine Vocabulary: Use more precise and natural word choices.
  4. Enhance Cohesion: Ensure smoother transitions between ideas.
  5. Proofread: Check for spelling and phrasing errors before submitting.

Overall, your essay has potential but needs refinement in grammar, clarity, and coherence. Keep practicing!