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Question: Some people think that competition at work, at school, and in daily life is a good thing. ...

Click on red question marks (?) to see an explanation for each change. Some changes are only suggestions and don't mean the original is necessarily wrong.
There have always been an ongonigongoing debate about this topic thatof whether it is good to encourage people to compete with each other in different social places such as workplaceworkplaces or schools, or cooperating is more important than competition. Some people believe that life is a long game full of opportunities, which you win or you looselose. So, they persuade childrenschildren from an early agesage to compete with their peers. It gives them the opportunity to grow and achieve whatever they want. For example, when they start working in a company as a junior employee, they need to foster their talents and abillitiesabilities, and in order to be promoted, they are compared with other colleagues so they must know how to compete,; otherwise, they will face problems. On the other hand, otherothers believe that individuals have to try to achieve their goals, but competitingcompeting leads to jelaousyjealousy and makes people to behave unfairunfairly in some special situations. For instance, in the workplace, all the workeforcedworkforce have to support each other. They have to learn that they should be happy for their colleagues' promotions. Because because life isn't a competition and every body everybody could make their wishes come true if they work hard enough. Therefore, when we teach students to try to have self -growth, and not to compare themselves with other scholars. They, they should help themeach other in the time times of difficulty and givelend a hand to each other when it is needed. From my perspective, cooperation havehas always been more valuable thatthan competing. And when all the people try to help each other and see themselves as a community, then the route for growth is even brighter and human values will be respected. We as older people owe this to the furtherfuture generation to increase the awareness about human values and breedraise our children with moral educationseducation.
This section presents vocabulary suggestions. Highlighted words are either too simple or are repeated more than 3 times . Please note that some suggested alternatives might require changes to other parts of the sentence.
This section presents a professionally wirtten variation of your essay and highlights the differences.
There have always been an ongonig debate about this topic that whether it is good to encourage people to compete with each other in different social places such as workplace or schools, or cooperating is more important than competition.
There has always been an ongoing debate about whether it is beneficial to encourage competition among individuals in various social settings, such as workplaces or schools, or if cooperation is more important than competition.
Some people believe that life is a long game full of opportunities, which you win or you loose. So,they persuade childrens from an early ages to compete with their peers. It gives them the opportunity to grow and achieve whatever they want. For example, when they start working in a company as a junior employee, they need to foster their talents and abillities, and in order to be promoted, they are compared with other colleagues so they must know how to compete, otherwise they will face problems.
Some people believe that life is a long game filled with opportunities, where one either wins or loses. Consequently, they encourage children from an early age to compete with their peers. This approach provides them with the chance to grow and achieve their aspirations. For example, when they begin working in a company as junior employees, they need to develop their talents and abilities. To be promoted, they are often compared with their colleagues, which necessitates an understanding of competition; otherwise, they may encounter difficulties.
On the other hand, other believe that individuals have to try to achieve their goals, but competiting leads to jelaousy and makes people to behave unfair in some special situations. For instance, in workplace, all the workeforced have to support each other. They have to learn that they should be happy for their colleagues' promotions. Because life isn't a competition and every body could make their wishes come true if they work hard enough. Therefore, when we teach students to try to have self growth, and not to compare themselves with other scholars. They should help them in the time of difficulty and give a hand to each other when it is needed.
On the other hand, others believe that while individuals should strive to achieve their goals, competition can lead to jealousy and unfair behavior in certain situations. For instance, in the workplace, all employees should support one another. They must learn to celebrate their colleagues' promotions because life is not merely a competition, and everyone can realize their dreams if they work hard enough. Therefore, when we teach students to focus on self-growth rather than comparing themselves to others, we encourage them to assist one another during challenging times and lend a helping hand when needed.
From my perspective, cooperation have always been more valuable that competing. And when all the people try to help each other and see themselves as a community, then the route for growth is even brighter and human values will be respected. We as older people owe this to the further generation to increase the awareness about human values and breed our children with moral educations.
From my perspective, cooperation has always been more valuable than competition. When individuals work together and view themselves as part of a community, the path to growth becomes even brighter, and human values are upheld. As older generations, we owe it to future generations to raise awareness about human values and instill moral education in our children.
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Overall Band Score
5.5
Overview
Vocabulary Range
average
Linking Words
average
Spelling
weak
Grammar Accuracy
weak
Grammar Range
average
Cohesion
average
Paragraph Structure
average
Task Response
strong
Word Count
sufficient
While we are confident in our score estimation, you are not guaranteed to receive the same score in an official test.

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Task Achievement

  • Response to the Prompt: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both views on competition and cooperation. It also provides a personal opinion, which is essential for this type of essay.
  • Examples and Support: The essay includes examples to support both sides of the argument, such as the workplace scenario for competition and the importance of cooperation in achieving goals. However, these examples could be more detailed to strengthen the argument.

Coherence and Cohesion

  • Structure and Organization: The essay is organized into clear paragraphs, each focusing on a specific aspect of the discussion. However, the introduction could be more engaging and clearly state the purpose of the essay.
  • Linking Words: There is some use of linking words and phrases (e.g., "for example," "on the other hand," "therefore"), but the transitions between ideas could be smoother. Consider using more varied linking phrases to enhance the flow of the essay.

Lexical Resource

  • Vocabulary: The vocabulary used is generally appropriate for the topic. However, there are some spelling errors (e.g., "ongoing," "children," "abilities," "jealousy," "workforce," "competing") that need correction. Additionally, some phrases could be more precise or varied to demonstrate a wider range of vocabulary.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

  • Grammar: The essay contains several grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues ("life is a long game full of opportunities, which you win or you loose"), incorrect verb forms ("competing leads to jelaousy"), and sentence fragments ("Because life isn't a competition"). These errors can affect the clarity of the essay.
  • Sentence Structure: There is a mix of simple and complex sentences, but some sentences are awkwardly constructed or run-on. Work on varying sentence structures and ensuring each sentence is complete and clear.

Suggestions for Improvement

  1. Introduction: Start with a more engaging introduction that clearly outlines the two perspectives and your stance.
  2. Examples: Provide more detailed and specific examples to support each viewpoint.
  3. Linking Words: Use a wider range of cohesive devices to improve the flow between ideas and paragraphs.
  4. Vocabulary and Spelling: Pay attention to spelling and use a broader range of vocabulary to express ideas more precisely.
  5. Grammar and Sentence Structure: Review grammar rules, especially subject-verb agreement and sentence completeness. Practice writing varied sentence structures to enhance readability.

By addressing these areas, the essay can be improved in terms of clarity, coherence, and overall effectiveness in responding to the prompt.