Question: It is important for everyone, including young people, to save money for their future.
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Nowadays, everyone is surrounded by advertising which leads them to be more and more consumer-oriented. As a result, it is very difficult for the young people to save their income. While, saving money is a difficult task, it has numerusnumerous benefits for people’s lives. This essay completely agrees with the idea that individuals should save their money. This matter will be further elaborated on by scrutinizingscrutinising the following topics: saving money for long-term and short-term purposes in the future.
On the one hand, some believe that every oneeveryone, especially young people, have has to save their money for their retirement periods. Although, in some countries, governments support oldolder people, induring this period, individuals need to be in safe financial conditions, due to their savingsavings. For example, some health problems are not supportedcovered by the insurance, so people have to pay their money for the treatments. In addition, inat this age, people are struggling with some mental issues due to a lack of outdoor activities and entertainment, so they can invest their savingsavings to boost their mental health, including, going on a trip tripsand participating in entertainment groups.
Moreover, not only does saving money have certain advantages for the retirement, but it also has some benefits during the youth period. For instance, young people can save their money to invest it on inimproving both their personalitypersonal skills and lifeliving conditions, such as learning new skills, buying a new house, and having new experiences,; then the quality of their lives can be increased during the overtime. It can be mentioned that young people should be taught to learn how they can tomanage their income.
In conclusion, this essay has elaborated on why saving money has significant roles in the lives of both old and young people’s lives. It has explained it that oldolder people's life depends lives depend on their savingsavings for solvingaddressing both the mental and physical health, and young people can use their savingsavings to develop their current conditions.
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Task Achievement
Response to the Prompt: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the importance of saving money for both young and old people. It clearly states agreement with the idea that individuals should save money.
Development of Ideas: The essay provides reasons for saving money, such as financial security during retirement and personal development during youth. However, the examples could be more specific and detailed to strengthen the argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Organization: The essay is organized into clear paragraphs, each focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The introduction sets the stage for the discussion, and the conclusion summarizes the main points.
Cohesive Devices: Transition words and phrases like "on the one hand," "moreover," and "in conclusion" are used to connect ideas. However, the use of "while" in the first paragraph is incorrect and should be revised for clarity.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary: The essay uses a range of vocabulary related to finance and personal development, such as "consumer," "financial conditions," "invest," and "mental health." However, there are some spelling errors, such as "numerus" instead of "numerous."
Word Choice: Some word choices could be improved for precision, such as "consumer" which could be replaced with "consumption-driven" to better fit the context.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Sentence Structure: The essay uses a variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences. However, some sentences are awkwardly constructed, such as "Although, in some countries, governments support old people, in this period, individuals need to be in safe financial conditions, due to their saving."
Grammar and Punctuation: There are minor grammatical errors, such as incorrect use of commas and conjunctions. For example, "While, saving money is a difficult task," should be "While saving money is a difficult task," without the comma.
Suggestions for Improvement
Enhance Examples: Provide more specific and detailed examples to support the arguments, such as mentioning specific skills young people might invest in or types of health issues that might require savings.
Improve Clarity: Revise awkward sentence structures for clarity and coherence. Ensure that each sentence clearly conveys its intended meaning.
Correct Errors: Address spelling and grammatical errors to improve the overall quality of the essay. Pay attention to punctuation and conjunction use.
Expand Vocabulary: Use more precise vocabulary to convey ideas more effectively and avoid repetition.
Overall, the essay presents a clear argument in favor of saving money, but it could benefit from more detailed examples and improved sentence clarity.