Feedback on Your Essay

Task Achievement

• Strengths:

  • You addressed the prompt by discussing why businesses emphasize newness in their products and provided a clear opinion (negative development).
  • You included an example (smartphones) to support your argument, which strengthens your response.
  • The essay meets the minimum word requirement.

• Areas for Improvement:

  • Clarity of Position: While you state that the trend is negative, your introduction could be clearer. Instead of saying "it might bring several disadvantages," explicitly state that you believe it is a negative development.
  • Explanation of Reasons: The reasons for businesses emphasizing newness (e.g., attracting attention, competition) are mentioned but could be expanded with more depth or additional examples.
  • Conclusion: The conclusion is somewhat abrupt. Restate your position more clearly and summarize key points concisely.

Coherence and Cohesion

• Strengths:

  • The essay has a logical structure (introduction, body paragraphs, conclusion).
  • Some linking words ("To begin with," "Moreover," "Therefore") help with cohesion.

• Areas for Improvement:

  • Paragraphing: The second body paragraph is quite long. Consider breaking it into two paragraphs—one discussing business motivations and another discussing consumer behavior.
  • Transitions: Some sentences feel disconnected. For example, the shift from "self-satisfaction" to "show off attitude" is abrupt. Use smoother transitions.
  • Repetition: Avoid repeating phrases like "this trend" too often. Use synonyms or rephrase for variety.

Lexical Resource

• Strengths:

  • You use some topic-related vocabulary (e.g., "materialism," "consumerism," "environmental issues").
  • There is an attempt at varied word choice (e.g., "absorbing attention" vs. "promoting products").

• Areas for Improvement:

  • Word Choice & Accuracy: Some words are misspelled or misused (e.g., "uniqe" → "unique," "intresting" → "interesting," "ourchase" → "purchase"). Proofread carefully.
  • Formal Tone: Avoid informal phrasing like "show off." Instead, use "displaying status" or "seeking social validation."
  • Word Forms: "High amount of wastes" should be "large amounts of waste."

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

• Strengths:

  • You attempt complex sentences (e.g., "when a product seems more interesting...").
  • Some correct use of grammar structures (e.g., "leading to several environmental issues").

• Areas for Improvement:

  • Subject-Verb Agreement: "This trend have" → "This trend has."
  • Article Errors: "the result of self-satisfaction" → "a result of self-satisfaction."
  • Sentence Structure: Some sentences are awkward or unclear. For example:
    • "This essay will discuss about these reasons and will answer the question of: why this trend is not advatageous." (Better: "This essay will discuss the reasons for this trend and argue why it is a negative development.")
  • Punctuation: Avoid unnecessary colons (e.g., "the question of: why"). Use a comma or rephrase.

Final Suggestions

• Revise for Clarity: Make sure each sentence clearly conveys your idea.
• Expand Key Points: Add more depth to your arguments (e.g., how materialism affects society).
• Proofread: Check for spelling, grammar, and word choice errors.
• Improve Flow: Use more linking words and vary sentence structures.

With some refinement, your essay can become stronger and more polished. Keep practicing!