Question: In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an aging...
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There is a controversial argument among people,about whether having more older people in a society is beneficial or not. I believe, although it may have pros, it is indeed problematic.
There is a segment of society whothat believes that an aging population is helpful to societies. When people can live longer, they can experience more. Indeed, individuals have more opportunity to be an expert in a precisespecific area. Then the governments can use experts' knowledge to develop all segmentssectors of their countries. For instance, Mr. Gao reached the peak of his researchesresearch when he was 80. Imagine previous decades thatwhen people did not have the chance to be alive inat this age, and even if they stayed alive, they were vulnerable and unable to study. But are all the old citizens researchesresearchers and do they benefit the government?
On the other hand, some people argue that it is going to be problematic. Firstly, when mankind gets older they need special care. They need some one someoneto take care of them, thatwhich can be hard for their children or grand childrengrandchildren. Secondly, not only do they want mental care, but they also they want medical care. As the age growsincreases, the body's health decreasedeclines. So more hospitals and healthcare facilities should be provided for them, last. Last but not least, insurance services may face difficulties due to the majorlarge number of retired citizens, so several actions should be taken to fixaddress the insurance problem.
In conclusion, I align my self myselfwith the idea that an aging population is going to makecreate problems, and I think the advantages don't outweigh the disadvantages.
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Task Achievement
Response to the Prompt: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of an aging population. However, the argument could be more balanced. The essay leans more towards discussing the disadvantages, which might not fully explore the extent to which the advantages could outweigh the disadvantages.
Position: The writer's position is clear, stating that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. However, the essay could benefit from a more nuanced exploration of the advantages to provide a more comprehensive analysis.
Coherence and Cohesion
Organization: The essay is organized into clear paragraphs, each focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, the transition between the paragraphs could be smoother. For instance, the transition from discussing the benefits to the drawbacks could be more seamless.
Cohesion: The use of cohesive devices is present but could be improved. Phrases like "On the other hand" are used to introduce contrasting points, but additional linking words and phrases could enhance the flow of ideas.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary: The vocabulary used is appropriate for the topic, but there is room for more varied and precise language. For example, instead of "mankind gets older," a more precise term like "as individuals age" could be used.
Word Choice: Some word choices could be improved for clarity and precision. For example, "researches" should be "researchers" in the context provided.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Sentence Structure: The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentences, which is good. However, some sentences are awkwardly constructed, such as "But are all the old citizens researches and they benefit the government?" This sentence could be rephrased for clarity.
Grammar: There are minor grammatical errors, such as "some one" which should be "someone," and "my self" which should be "myself." These errors do not significantly impede understanding but should be corrected for accuracy.
Suggestions for Improvement
Balance the Argument: Provide a more balanced discussion by elaborating on the potential benefits of an aging population, such as the wisdom and experience they bring to society.
Enhance Cohesion: Use more linking words and phrases to improve the flow between ideas and paragraphs.
Improve Vocabulary and Precision: Use more varied vocabulary and ensure word choices are precise and appropriate for the context.
Refine Grammar and Sentence Structure: Pay attention to sentence construction and correct minor grammatical errors to enhance clarity and readability.
Overall, the essay presents a clear position but could benefit from a more balanced exploration of the topic and improvements in cohesion, vocabulary, and grammatical accuracy.