Question: Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which cause many h...
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There is some truth in the argument that food and drinks which are not made in the house at homeare rich in sugar, and they can have impacts on people's health. So, an increase in their profitprice can be helpful to lessenreduce their consumption because of reducing by loweringthe risk of sugar-related diseasediseases and encouraging people to use healthy products instead, while sugar's important role in the body should not be forgotten.
On the one hand, increasing the feeprice of sugary items may contribute to lesslower consumption of itthem, which lowersreduces the risks of disorders like obesity and diabetes. Although these diseases are not curable, they can be controlled by usingconsuming less sugar in everyday meals. However, some people do not take obesity and diabetes seriousseriously at first, but they can decrease the quality of liveslife as the time passes. An obese man who suffers from diabetes by takingconsuming less sugar in his diet will not only will have been beable to enjoy his body shape in histhe next 10 years but also will be using lessfewer medications.
It is important to note that increasing the cost of sugar would be useful since it encourages people to takechoose other substances instead, which have more healthier ingredients. Products with high amountamounts of protein and vitamins instead of sugar can help build muscles canand lead to a healthier lifestyle. Consuming vegetables, and fruits, and eggs would bemake a complete meal instead of using poor nutrition with higher profitsugar content.
On the other hand, eating less sugar because of the rise in its cost would cause problems for the brain's function, which is first due to use primarily relies onglucose. Without an adequate amount of sugar in the body, people would experience mental disorders like, cognitive problems,and memory loss. Regulations are needed for the utilizationconsumption of sugar rather than just risingraising its costs.
In conclusion, products havingcontaining high amountamounts of sugar should be bought less due to an increase in its profittheir price to reduce the risk of obesity and diabetes, and other high nutritionhighly nutritious products replacedshould replace them in peoples dietpeople's diets. In my opinion, the importance of sugar for the brain function should not be ignored. However, consuming sugar with limitationsin moderation by increasing its cost would benefit not only the physical health but also the mental efficacyefficiency.
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Feedback on Your Essay
Task Achievement
Position and Clarity: Your position is somewhat clear—you agree that increasing the price of sugary products could reduce consumption, but you also acknowledge the importance of sugar for brain function. However, the argument could be more consistently developed. Some points feel contradictory (e.g., advocating for higher prices while also warning against sugar restriction).
Supporting Ideas: You provide relevant examples (obesity, diabetes, brain function), but some explanations are unclear or underdeveloped. For instance, the link between sugar and cognitive issues needs more clarity.
Balance: The essay attempts to discuss both sides but leans more toward agreement. The counterargument (sugar’s necessity for brain function) is weaker and could be expanded.
Coherence and Cohesion
Logical Flow: The essay has a structure (introduction, body paragraphs, conclusion), but transitions between ideas are sometimes abrupt. For example, the shift from health risks to brain function lacks smooth connection.
Paragraphing: Each paragraph has a central idea, but some are too long (e.g., the first body paragraph). Breaking them into smaller, more focused paragraphs would improve readability.
Cohesive Devices: Some linking words are used ("On the one hand," "However," "In conclusion"), but more variety and precision would help (e.g., "Furthermore," "Conversely," "Despite this").
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary Range: You use some appropriate terms (e.g., "obesity," "cognitive problems," "regulations"), but there are also awkward or incorrect word choices ("increase in their profit" → "price increase"; "mental efficacy" → "mental function").
Word Form & Collocation: Some phrases are unnatural ("increase in their profit," "using less medications"). Review collocations (e.g., "raise prices," "take medications").
Repetition: Words like "sugar" and "products" are overused. Synonyms or paraphrasing would help (e.g., "sugary items," "processed foods").
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Sentence Structure: There are attempts at complex sentences, but some are grammatically incorrect or unclear (e.g., "An obese man who suffers from diabetes by taking less sugar in his diet not only will have been able to enjoy his body shape..." → This is convoluted and hard to follow).
Verb Tenses & Agreement: Some errors exist ("they can decrease the quality of lives" → "they can decrease quality of life"; "will have been able to enjoy" → "will be able to enjoy").
Articles & Prepositions: Missing or incorrect articles ("the brain's function" → "brain function"; "using less sugar in everyday meals" → "using less sugar in their daily meals").
Suggestions for Improvement
Clarify Your Position: Decide whether you mostly agree or disagree and ensure all arguments support that stance.
Improve Cohesion: Use clearer transitions between ideas and break long paragraphs.
Expand Counterarguments: If discussing sugar’s necessity for brain function, explain it more thoroughly.
Refine Grammar & Vocabulary: Review sentence structures, word choices, and collocations for natural fluency.
Proofread: Check for tense consistency, subject-verb agreement, and article usage.
Overall, the essay addresses the topic but needs refinement in clarity, coherence, and language accuracy. Keep practicing!