Question: Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones.
Why is this the case? Do you t...
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Some of the younger generations spend timestime routinely on their smartphones. I believe it is happening due to lots of manyreasons like the fast pace of our changing world and the positive aspects of the new technologies, and there are more positive factors rather than negative ones in this development.
It is obvious thethat mobile phones are beingbecoming more popular among children due to a variety of reasons. First of all, our world is changing unstoppablyuncontrollably, and new technologies like smartphones are crucial to makehelp us adapted withadapt to this phenomenaphenomenon. For example, mobile phones can help us to communicate with our dearloved ones as well as outerthe outside world. In addition, this type of technology nowadays is a vital source offor finding out what is happening around us; children can consume news with their phones. Furthermore, this technology is gatea gateway to social media and other fun activityactivities. As reasona result, pupils will use it more and more, and there is a general trend of using it in every aspectsaspect of their lifelives.Hope fullyHopefully, the negative aspects of this phenomenaphenomenon are lessfewer than we thought tothey would be, and the positive aspects show they have outweighed the drawbacks. However, using mobile phones in high amounts of time for long periodsin a routine life style lifestylecan hurt children's mental health,; in some ways, it can help them to earngain a high amountslevel of independencyindependence because of their access to a vast source of what they need in their life alsolives. Also, it’s a crucial tool to communicate with their families, friends, and other dearloved ones, so draw backsthe drawbacks are much less than the benefits. Another negative point of this development is the damagesdamage that using of mobile phones infor long periodperiods can cause to our physical health,; however, it can be used as a personal trainer as well as a good source of motivation.
In conclusion, some pupils spend hours every day on their mobile phones; it is happening because of their undeniable need to adjustmentadjust to the fast pace of our world and their crucial need to communicate, and earning gainnews, plus and entertain their selvesthemselves. I believe itsit is a positive development; however, there are some draw backsdrawbacks, but the positive ones out weigh outweighthem.
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Task Achievement
Response to the Prompt: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt by discussing why children spend hours on smartphones and evaluating whether this is a positive or negative development. However, the reasons provided could be more specific and detailed.
Position: The writer clearly states their position, arguing that the positive aspects of smartphone use outweigh the negatives. This position is maintained throughout the essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Organization: The essay is organized into paragraphs, each focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, the transitions between ideas could be smoother. For example, the shift from discussing the reasons for smartphone use to evaluating its impact could be more clearly signposted.
Cohesion: Some sentences and ideas are not well-connected, which affects the flow of the essay. Using linking words and phrases more effectively could improve this. For instance, words like "Moreover," "On the other hand," and "In contrast" could help in transitioning between points.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary: The essay uses a range of vocabulary, but there are instances of repetition, such as "positive aspects" and "negative aspects." Try to use synonyms or rephrase to avoid repetition.
Word Choice: Some word choices are awkward or incorrect, such as "Hope fully" instead of "Hopefully," and "phenomena" instead of "phenomenon." Ensure that words are used in the correct context.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Sentence Structure: The essay contains a mix of simple and complex sentences. However, some sentences are overly long and could be broken down for clarity. For example, "However, using mobile phones in high amounts of time in a routine life style can hurt children mental health, in some ways can help them to earn high amounts of independency because of their access to a vast source of what they need in their life also it’s a crucial tool to communicate with their families, friends and other dear ones so draw backs are much less than the benefits" is too lengthy and convoluted.
Grammar: There are several grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues ("mobile phones are being more popular"), incorrect prepositions ("in high amounts of time"), and missing articles ("children mental health" should be "children's mental health"). These errors can detract from the overall clarity of the essay.
Suggestions for Improvement
Expand on Reasons: Provide more specific examples and explanations for why children spend so much time on smartphones.
Improve Cohesion: Use more linking words and phrases to connect ideas and paragraphs smoothly.
Enhance Vocabulary: Avoid repetition and ensure word choices are appropriate for the context.
Refine Grammar: Pay attention to sentence structure, subject-verb agreement, and article usage to improve grammatical accuracy.
Overall, the essay presents a clear position and addresses the prompt, but it would benefit from more detailed explanations, improved cohesion, and greater grammatical accuracy.