Question: Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages...
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It is argued by many that music can gatherbring various people from different backgrounds together. Whether, whether they are old or young. There are numerous factors that contribute to this matter. In this essay, I will examine some of itsthe reasons and explain why I agree with this claim.
To begin with, I believe one of the major reasons that music can bring people together is that it is thea common language between not only the elderly and the youth, but also individuals from different cultures and attitudes. For example, inat the welcome party of universities, although students who come from different backgrounds might not understand each othersother's languages, they can have fun, dance with each other, and enjoy the party because of music without saying even one word. Furthermore, I assume an obsession with music is a part of humans'human nature. To illustrate, if a sad arbic musicArabic song is played for an englishEnglish person, hethey might bearstburst into tears without understanding its meaning.
What I also consider another significant reason for this is that music plays ana noticeable role in making a party or gathering much more pleasant. Despite the huge gap between generations, for instance, whenever music is played inat a wedding party, grandparents and children start dancing and cheering up regardless of thiertheir ages, since music provides a vibrant and lively atmosphere. Moreover, inat the opening of the Olympics, people from all around the world and nations sing along with music and dance regardless of understanding its meaning.
In conclusion, while different people might have various interests or thoughts, music can bring them together and lead to bonding among people as it is a fun shared experience. So, I agree that music can closebring people together.
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Feedback on Your Essay
Task Achievement:
Your essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents a clear position (agreeing that music brings people together).
You provide relevant examples (university welcome parties, weddings, the Olympics) to support your argument, which strengthens your response.
However, some points could be developed further. For instance, the example of the "sad Arabic music" could be expanded to explain how emotions in music transcend language barriers.
The conclusion restates your position but could be more impactful by summarizing key points or offering a final thought.
Coherence and Cohesion:
The essay is logically structured with clear paragraphs, each focusing on a different aspect of the argument.
Some transitions between ideas could be smoother. For example, the shift from the first body paragraph to the second could use a linking phrase like "Another reason music unites people is..."
Minor grammatical errors (e.g., "bearst into tears" should be "burst into tears") slightly disrupt the flow.
Lexical Resource:
You use a good range of vocabulary (e.g., "common language," "vibrant and lively atmosphere," "shared experience").
Some word choices are awkward or incorrect (e.g., "obsession with music" might be better as "love of music"; "noticeable" should be "notable").
Avoid informal phrasing like "close people together" (use "bring people closer").
Grammatical Range and Accuracy:
There are several grammatical errors:
"arbic music" → "Arabic music"
"bearst into tears" → "burst into tears"
"thier ages" → "their ages"
"in opening of Olympics" → "at the opening of the Olympics"
Sentence structure is generally sound, but some sentences could be more concise (e.g., "There are numerous factors that contribute to this matter" could be shortened).
Suggestions for Improvement:
Proofread carefully to correct spelling and grammar mistakes.
Expand on examples to make them more persuasive (e.g., explain how music evokes emotions universally).
Use more precise vocabulary and smoother transitions.
Strengthen the conclusion by summarizing key arguments.
Overall, your essay presents a strong argument but would benefit from refinement in language accuracy and depth of analysis. Keep practicing!