Question: Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones.
Why is this the case? Do you t...
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Nowadays, some children spend long hours a day on their smartphones. This essay will outline why this is this the case and I think it is a negative development, so thatI will mention some reasons to support this view.
Technology has revolutionizedrevolutionised every aspectsaspect of life and overusingoveruse by children is not an exception. This case has several reasons and one of them is;that today the majority of people live in a flatflats; consequently, consequently children do not have the opportunity to play in open areas and release their energy perfectlyeffectively. In addition, the graphicgraphics of online games attract them easily, because they are produced by professionals with thisthe purpose to attractof attracting children. For example, there are plenty of special online games, which in every specific group of children are the most popular, and they tend to spend hours on thosethem.
Additionally, there are several disadvantages for overusingto the overuse of smartphones. firstFirst of all, children become dedicatededicated to their smartphones, so they refuse to participate in family gatheringgatherings or any communicationscommunication. Moreover, they will suffer from physical problems, such as weak eyes oreyesight, neck pain, in their neck and headacheheadaches. But the worst result is that after a while, they are not able to concentrate perfectlyeffectively, thatwhich will raise the educational problems.
In conclusion, there isare some circumstances that encourage children to use of the smartphones, but spending hours on them every day havehas huge disadvantages for them, and although smartphones can be beneficial for their educational purposes or staying in touch with their peers, overusing makeoveruse makes them dedicatededicated.
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Task Achievement
Addressing the Prompt: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt by discussing why children spend hours on smartphones and evaluating whether this is a positive or negative development. However, the reasons provided could be expanded with more depth and examples.
Position: The writer clearly states their position that this is a negative development, which is maintained throughout the essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Structure: The essay is structured with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, the introduction could be more engaging and concise. The phrase "so that mention some reasons to support this view" is awkward and could be rephrased for clarity.
Cohesion: The use of linking words and phrases (e.g., "in addition," "for example," "moreover") helps in maintaining the flow of ideas. However, some transitions could be smoother. For instance, the transition between the reasons for smartphone use and its disadvantages could be more clearly delineated.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary: The vocabulary is generally appropriate, but there are some awkward phrases and word choices, such as "dedicate to their smartphones" which should be "addicted to their smartphones." Additionally, "release their energy perfectly" could be rephrased to "release their energy effectively."
Variety: There is a reasonable range of vocabulary, but further variety and precision could enhance the essay.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Sentence Structure: The essay contains a mix of simple and complex sentences. However, some sentences are awkwardly constructed, such as "Technology has revolutionized every aspects of life and overusing by children is not an exception."
Grammar: There are several grammatical errors, including subject-verb agreement ("every aspects" should be "every aspect"), incorrect use of articles, and capitalization errors ("first of all" should be "First of all").
Punctuation: Punctuation is generally correct, but there are some missing commas that could improve readability.
Suggestions for Improvement
Expand on Ideas: Provide more detailed examples and explanations for why children are drawn to smartphones and the specific negative impacts.
Improve Clarity: Rephrase awkward sentences and ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea.
Enhance Vocabulary: Use a wider range of vocabulary and ensure word choices are precise and appropriate.
Check Grammar: Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, article usage, and sentence structure to avoid grammatical errors.
Refine Transitions: Use more effective transitions to improve the flow between ideas and paragraphs.
By addressing these areas, the essay can be more coherent, engaging, and persuasive.