Question: Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones.
Why is this the case? Do you t...
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Nowadays, Mostmost children turn to over using overusingsmartphones. This can be because of our severe dependecy ofdependency on high-tech devices, as technology is growing. In my opinion, although relying too much on smartphones and other technological devices is harmful either for both children orand adults, having a balance in using these kinds of instruments can be useful.
There are some negative points onto children's spending hours daily on smartphones. Firstly, a vast number of children are not able to manage their time and putmaintain a balance in their usage of smartphones. Therefore, they can not cannotconcentrate on their lessons and, as a consequence, they get bad grades in their classes, and affect which affects their future prospects. For example, research findings show,that children who have a limitation on their hourhours of smartphone's usage benefit from higher grades in their lessons. Secondly, they can be manuplatedmanipulated by some adults who want to take advantagesadvantage of children, as connection and social media are vastly growing and there is no supervision onof most of them. If parents effectively monitor their children's usage of smartphones and the enternetinternet, these kindkinds of cases can be prohibitedprevented. Finally, using too much of phones leadleads to less physical activity and cause to causesa sedentary lifestyle and health problems for them.
On the other hand, children's usage of smartphones can be highly beneficial. Children can take online courses and attend to them via their mobile phones. In the pandemic of COVID-19, teachers have thaughttaught lessons online and via smartphonesmartphones. Moreover, smartphones offer an opportunity for children to connect with their peers. They can improve their communication skills. Some useful social media, such as YouTube, you-tube provides providea unique learning experience for children. Therefore, they can inhanceenhance their knowledge regarding a variety of fields of their interest, history, science, and gadgets.
In conclusion, in my opinion, to maximisingmaximise the positive aspects of smartphone's usage in children, having balance, limitation, and monitoring are essential.
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Task Achievement
Addressing the Prompt: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt by discussing why children spend hours on smartphones and evaluating whether this is a positive or negative development. However, the reasons for children spending so much time on smartphones could be elaborated further. The essay could benefit from more specific examples or studies to support the claims made.
Position: The writer's position is clear, advocating for a balanced approach to smartphone usage among children. However, the conclusion could be strengthened by summarizing the key points more effectively.
Coherence and Cohesion
Organization: The essay is organized into clear paragraphs, each dealing with a specific aspect of the issue. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the shift from negative to positive aspects could be more clearly signposted.
Cohesion: Some sentences could be better connected. For example, the transition from discussing the negative impacts to the potential benefits of smartphone use could be more fluid. Using linking words and phrases would enhance the flow of the essay.
Lexical Resource
Vocabulary: The essay uses a range of vocabulary, but there are some inaccuracies and awkward phrases, such as "turn to over using" and "manuplated." More precise language and varied vocabulary would improve the essay.
Spelling and Word Choice: There are several spelling errors, such as "dependecy," "manuplated," "enternet," and "inhance." Careful proofreading is needed to correct these mistakes.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Sentence Structure: The essay contains a mix of simple and complex sentences, but some sentences are awkwardly constructed or contain grammatical errors. For example, "This can because of our severe dependecy of high tech devices" is grammatically incorrect.
Grammar: There are several grammatical errors, such as subject-verb agreement issues and incorrect prepositions. For instance, "cause to a sedentary lifestyle" should be "cause a sedentary lifestyle."
Suggestions for Improvement
Expand on Reasons: Provide more detailed reasons why children spend so much time on smartphones, possibly including social, educational, or entertainment factors.
Improve Transitions: Use linking words to improve the flow between paragraphs and ideas.
Enhance Vocabulary: Use a wider range of vocabulary and ensure correct spelling and word choice.
Proofread for Grammar: Carefully proofread the essay to correct grammatical errors and awkward sentence structures.
Strengthen Conclusion: Summarize the main points more effectively in the conclusion to reinforce the argument.
By addressing these areas, the essay would present a more coherent and compelling argument.