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Question: Some people think that competition at work, at school, and in daily life is a good thing. ...

Click on red question marks (?) to see an explanation for each change. Some changes are only suggestions and don't mean the original is necessarily wrong.
While some people contend that cooperation should be prioritizedprioritised over competition, others argue that competition in different areas of life is beneficial. Personally, iI have an inclination towards the latter approach. bp1: Admittedly, cooperation brings about benefits to workers' lives. Firstly, it is believed that cooperation enables individuals to examine an issue from various perspectives and provide a holistic solution accordingly. Therefore, it can prevent biased viewpoints on matters at hand. Secondly, cooperating with colleagues fosters a sense of community and helps people build meaningful bonds with each other. This can help them to socializesocialise with their co-workers and cultivate a thriving community in which individuals can share their struggles and enjoy other people's company. These conversations not only broaden people's horizons but also improve their overall well-being by mitigating their stress levels as they change their mindset from competing to co-working. However, competition promotes people's academic and privatepersonal lives significantly. Competition motivates individuals to work diligently in order to overcome obstacles and stand out among their peers. This mentality can help them explore their potential skills, as well as develop them through challenges. Moreover, a competitive mindset contributes to children's later social success. These peopleindividuals are more likely to endure endeavorsendeavours and achieve valuable results. For instance, Murlikant Petkar, the first Indian Paralympic gold medalist, managed to win his swimming gold medal after being shot in his spine and becoming partially paralysed. However, his motivation and insatiable appetite for competition led him to participate in a completely different activity from his initial sport, boxing, and bringing joy and fulfillmentfulfilment to himself and the whole Indian society. In conclusion, although cooperation is beneficial, overemphasis on it can palediminish the benefits of competition and dissuade people from hard workingwork.
This section presents vocabulary suggestions. Highlighted words are either too simple or are repeated more than 3 times . Please note that some suggested alternatives might require changes to other parts of the sentence.
This section presents a professionally wirtten variation of your essay and highlights the differences.
While some people contend that cooperation should be prioritized over competition, others argue that competition in different areas of life is beneficial. Personally, i have an inclination towards the latter approach. bp1: Admittedly, cooperation brings about benefits to workers' lives. Firstly, it is believed that cooperation enables individuals to examine an issue from various perspectives and provide a holistic solution accordingly. Therefore, it can prevent biased viewpoints on matters at hand. Secondly, cooperating with colleagues fosters a sense of community and helps people build meaningful bonds with each other. This can help them to socialize with their co-workers and cultivate a thriving community in which individuals can share their struggles and enjoy other people's company. These conversations not only broaden people's horizons but also improve their overall well-being by mitigating their stress levels as they change their mindset from competing to co-working. However, competition promotes people's academic and private lives significantly. Competition motivates individuals to work diligently in order to overcome obstacles and stand out among their peers. This mentality can help them explore their potential skills, as well as develop them through challenges. Moreover, a competitive mindset contributes to children's later social success. These people are more likely to endure endeavors and achieve valuable results. For instance, Murlikant Petkar, the first Indian Paralympic gold medalist, managed to win his swimming gold medal after being shot in his spine and becoming partially paralysed. However, his motivation and insatiable appetite for competition led him to participate in a completely different activity from his initial sport, boxing and bringing joy and fulfillment to himself and the whole Indian society. In conclusion, although cooperation is beneficial, overemphasis on it can pale the benefits of competition and dissuade people from hard working.
While some people contend that cooperation should be prioritized over competition, others argue that competition in various areas of life is beneficial. Personally, I lean towards the latter approach. **Body Paragraph 1:** Admittedly, cooperation brings significant benefits to workers' lives. Firstly, it is believed that cooperation enables individuals to examine issues from various perspectives and provide holistic solutions accordingly. Therefore, it can prevent biased viewpoints on the matters at hand. Secondly, collaborating with colleagues fosters a sense of community and helps individuals build meaningful bonds with one another. This can enhance socialization among co-workers and cultivate a thriving environment where individuals can share their struggles and enjoy each other's company. These interactions not only broaden people's horizons but also improve their overall well-being by alleviating stress levels, as they shift their mindset from competition to collaboration. **Body Paragraph 2:** However, competition significantly enhances both academic and personal lives. Competition motivates individuals to work diligently to overcome obstacles and stand out among their peers. This mentality can help them discover and develop their potential skills through challenges. Moreover, a competitive mindset contributes to children's future social success. Such individuals are more likely to persevere and achieve valuable results. For instance, Murlikant Petkar, the first Indian Paralympic gold medalist, won his swimming gold medal after being shot in the spine and becoming partially paralyzed. His motivation and insatiable appetite for competition led him to transition to a completely different sport, boxing, bringing joy and fulfillment to himself and the entire Indian society. **Conclusion:** In conclusion, although cooperation is beneficial, an overemphasis on it can overshadow the advantages of competition and discourage individuals from working hard.
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Overall Band Score
7.5
Overview
Vocabulary Range
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Linking Words
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Spelling
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Grammar Accuracy
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Grammar Range
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Cohesion
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Paragraph Structure
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Task Response
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Word Count
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While we are confident in our score estimation, you are not guaranteed to receive the same score in an official test.

Task Achievement

The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both views on competition and cooperation. It provides a clear opinion, favoring competition, and supports this stance with relevant examples, such as the story of Murlikant Petkar. However, the essay could benefit from a more balanced discussion by providing a stronger counterargument for cooperation. Additionally, the conclusion could be expanded to reinforce the main points discussed in the body paragraphs.

Coherence and Cohesion

The essay is generally well-organized, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The use of linking words and phrases, such as "admittedly," "firstly," "secondly," and "however," helps to guide the reader through the argument. However, the transition between the discussion of cooperation and competition could be smoother. The essay would benefit from more cohesive devices to connect ideas within paragraphs and between them.

Lexical Resource

The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with appropriate use of terms like "holistic solution," "biased viewpoints," "thriving community," and "insatiable appetite for competition." However, there are some minor errors, such as "pale the benefits," which should be "diminish the benefits." Additionally, the essay could benefit from more varied vocabulary to enhance the richness of the language used.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy

The essay generally uses a range of grammatical structures accurately, including complex sentences. However, there are some minor errors, such as the lowercase "i" in "i have an inclination" and the incorrect use of "dissuade people from hard working," which should be "dissuade people from working hard." These errors do not significantly impede understanding but should be corrected for greater accuracy.

Suggestions for Improvement

  1. Balance the Argument: Provide a more robust discussion of the benefits of cooperation to create a more balanced argument.
  2. Enhance Cohesion: Use more cohesive devices to improve the flow between ideas and paragraphs.
  3. Expand the Conclusion: Reinforce the main points in the conclusion to provide a stronger closing to the essay.
  4. Correct Minor Errors: Address minor grammatical and lexical errors for improved accuracy and clarity.
  5. Vary Vocabulary: Use a wider range of vocabulary to enhance the richness of the language used in the essay.

Overall, the essay presents a clear argument with relevant examples but could benefit from a more balanced discussion and improved cohesion.